Stage Dive: What’s the most metal food?

It’s Wednesday, so that means it’s time for Stage Dive, a new segment where we jump into the audience (get it?) and let you weigh in on a particular question! Most of these will be tied to metal in some way, shape or form, but occasionally we may stray into non-metal topics, like movies, art, or the genus, species and classification of Frankie Palmeri’s mother. This week, however, our question is:



We’ll give our responses below, but encourage you to participate as well by leaving your thoughts in the comments section. That way, if we disagree, we can just file you under “Internet commenters are the lowest form of humanity” and be done with it!

…only kidding. We’ll file you under “Frankie Palmeri.” At any rate, here are our takes on things:


There were a number of different routes I wanted to go with this, but ultimately, I think it’s gotta be a turkey leg. You know, those enormous roasted ones you get at renaissance festivals–hot, juicy and cooked to multiple shades of orange and tan, where the fat and skin are just dripping off the things. There’s your start–messy food is definitely metal food. But let’s take it further. When you get a turkey leg, you’re eating delicious meat straight off the bone, and there’s just something so primal about that! I know you can technically say the same for a chicken leg as well, but think about the size difference between the two; you can hold an entire chicken leg in your hand, but you’ve gotta grasp that turkey leg like a weapon. Which brings me to my last point, once the bone’s been licked clean (whether by you or maybe an eager canine), you’ve got yourself one hell of a club to battle with. Or hit a drum with. Or just throw away. Turkey legs…no question. I guarantee you these guys have my back on this.


Well, this one took a little more deliberation than I thought it would. But it ended up being a fairly obvious choice. At first, I was thinking anything pork related. The idea of a pig roast crossed my mind. Think about it. It’s tough to get more metal than burning and devouring an entire pig carcass. Besides, going with pig would obviously get Behemoth’s approval, and we all know how important that is. (Yes, I did find a way to bring Behemoth into this, thanks for asking.) But then I thought…”Jesus! Literally!” Well, metaphorically. The one food I would consider more metal than pig is lamb. For those unaware, Jesus is often referred to as the Lamb of God. See, even I know something about Christianity (but even then, only thanks to these guys). If I had to pick a dish, I would go with lamb chops. They’re delicious. Anyway, back to my point. The idea of mutilating and then dismembering Metaphorical-Jesus for personal consumption is about as metal of a concept, not just food related, as I can possibly conceive. Metaphorical-Jesus…it’s what’s for dinner.

What do you think? Post your take in the comments!

Live. Love. Plow. Horns Up.

2 thoughts on “Stage Dive: What’s the most metal food?

  1. Brendangerous April 30, 2014 / 11:37 pm

    I wouldn’t say this is THE most metal food, but a year or so ago I was short on money and even shorter on groceries so one morning before work I had a bowl of plain oatmeal, doused with Extra Hot hot sauce for flavoring, for breakfast. I’d say that constitutes as being pretty metal, not just for the broke-as-fuck rock n’ roll aspect of it, but also the bland emptiness of plain oatmeal being covered by intense burning flavor.

    Aside from that I have also eaten Balut, which for those that don’t know, is basically a premature hard-boiled egg… so you are in fact eating a semi-developed, hard to chew, and sometimes even feathery chicken fetus.

    • Dan April 30, 2014 / 11:48 pm

      Balut? Good god that’s metal. I bow down to you, sir.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s