CANTO: Children Of Bodom tour, Metallica tour?, and semi-updates from Behemoth

children of bodom band

“I don’t want your opinion, I don’t need your ideas. Stay the fuck out of my face, stay away from me. I am my own God, I do as I please.”

“Ein Bier… bitte.”
– Corey

Concert Review: Behemoth and Myrkur (April 23 and 24, 2016)


Before I dive into the specifics of my Behemoth-filled birthday weekend, it’s worth noting that my excitement level leading up to these NYC and Boston dates betters that of any other concert event in my recent memory (outside of Wacken, of course). So don’t expect any negativity here… aside from my shit cell phone pictures. But you see, Behemoth is, by a distance, my favorite band and The Satanist is, by a distance, my favorite album. And of course, seeing this album played start to finish was simply something I needed to experience… at least once. So, with my birthday falling on the 22nd, the NYC show falling on the 23rd, and the Boston show falling on the 24th (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, respectively), the stars were aligning. My plan was pretty obvious. Continue reading

CANTO: Wolves in the Throne Room updates, a new project called Saudade, and more


“All these words are dust within my mind. In these times that burn within our sight. Yearning to know deep into the marrow.”

“Ein Bier… bitte.”
– Corey

Sunday Side-Splitter: Night Sweats

Hello, friends, hope the hangovers are treating you well on this fine Sunday! I strangely don’t have one, despite a full day of drunken soccer-watching at Red Bull Arena yesterday–hooray for copious amounts of water consumption, I guess! Anyway, to help you through yours, here’s a new Sunday Side-Splitter to digest with your bacon and eggs–Ryan Adams’ “Night Sweats.” Check it out:

Take a second to think about what you just watched: an intentionally-low-budget-looking production (seriously, this could be a regular Tim and Eric segment if it wanted to be) of a fake metal video show, co-hosted by a model dressed in corpse paint playing a character called Balthazar. Pretty amusing in and of itself, no?

But when you factor in the source, it’s hard not to appreciate “Night Sweats” even more. Ryan Adams, as some of you probably know, is primarily an alt-country performer, and a pretty good one at that. But he’s never been shy about his appreciation for rock music, either. In addition to his country output, he’s released several records with varying degrees of heaviness over the years, on top of terrific acoustic cover of Iron Maiden’s “Wasted Years.” And as “Night Sweats” shows us, he’s got a pretty strong knowledge of even heavier stuff, too–name-dropping bands like Emperor, Satyricon and Darkthrone in his playlist. (And, at one point, jokingly calling the latter “dad-rock” and suggesting they open for Train–which actually works out more amusingly than you’d think.)

All in all, “Night Sweats” is a terrific way to kill five-and-a-half minutes, and should earn Adams a horns up or two in everyone’s book. Queue it up, and enjoy the hangover!


Live. Love. Plow. Horns Up.

Stage Dive: Best Metal Musician to Have on Your Side in a Fight?

It’s Wednesday, so that means it’s time for another installment of Stage Dive – your chance to weigh in on our chosen topic of the week. This week, our question is:


Hint: it’s NOT Manowar


It’s hard not to pick someone like Varg Vikernes here, but in the end, the fact that he’d probably COMPLETELY fuck someone up without thinking twice (and, you know…has already done time for doing just that…) ultimately wasn’t enough of an offset to the fact that he’s a complete psycho scumbag piece of shit who I can’t endorse in any capacity. But no, in the end, I went with Machine Head frontman Robb Flynn here. Why’s that? For starters, just listen to the dude’s music! You CAN’T tell me the guy who wrote throwdown-ready anthems like “Imperium” or “Aesthetics of Hate” wouldn’t be able to hold his own and then some in a fight. Secondly, there’s…oh, I don’t know–how about the fact that Robb once played a show just a few hours after BEING HIT BY A GODDAMN TAXI. (Spoiler Alert: I was at that show. It was most metal.) You just need that kind of resilience on your side in a battle, no question about it. Finally, you have to take into consideration post-fight activities–if you take, say, a Dez Fafara, these probably consist of touching yourself and contemplating life as a 48-year-old ex-member of Coal Chamber; if you go with someone like Scott Ian, it’s probably a game of “let’s decide what stupid color should I dye my beard today.” But post-fight with Robb Flynn, you’re definitely going to be knocking back a few beers and continuing to kick-asses, only metaphorically. Hence, I’m going with him.


Alright, so Varg also seemed like he would have obvious potential for me. However, the fact of the matter is, there are a number of church burners and murderers from that particular place and time that could serve this purpose. Faust, of Emperor, comes to mind as another example. But the thing is, we’re not looking for someone to put out a hit on someone for us, we want someone by our side in a fight. We want punchy. Not stabby. And I don’t hold much faith in them, you know, fighting somebody. Not the most intimidating humans once they’re lessened to bare knuckles. Then my mind went to Orion or Inferno of Behemoth. These guys made more sense to me. I mean for one, they gotta both be pushing 6′ 6″. And they’re in Behemoth, so the level of aggression is unquestioned. Anyone ever see these guys live? The amount of punishment they direct onto their instruments is probably more than most humans could take. Yet… nah still not what I’m looking for. I want to add another factor to this. I went with none other than Mr. Lordi… in full costume, of course.  This guy must be over seven feet tall in costume, so the size factor is definitely there. Secondly, the dude is, quite literally, a monster. He’s a monster. If I want an intimidation factor to be part of this, it would be really hard to go in any other direction. Honestly, any opposition probably wouldn’t even bother throwing down. Who wouldn’t want a specimen like this on their side? And I don’t mean just in a fight. I mean in general. Personally, I think it’d be awesome to show up at a bar for a post-fight beer with a seven-foot-tall monster. Seems pretty legit to me.

What do you think? Post your choices in the comments section!

Live. Love. Plow. Horns Up.