It’s Wednesday, so that means it’s time for another installment of Stage Dive – your chance to weigh in on our chosen topic of the week. This week, our question is:
WHO WOULD BE THE BEST METAL MUSICIAN TO HAVE ON YOUR SIDE IN A FIGHT?
It’s hard not to pick someone like Varg Vikernes here, but in the end, the fact that he’d probably COMPLETELY fuck someone up without thinking twice (and, you know…has already done time for doing just that…) ultimately wasn’t enough of an offset to the fact that he’s a complete psycho scumbag piece of shit who I can’t endorse in any capacity. But no, in the end, I went with Machine Head frontman Robb Flynn here. Why’s that? For starters, just listen to the dude’s music! You CAN’T tell me the guy who wrote throwdown-ready anthems like “Imperium” or “Aesthetics of Hate” wouldn’t be able to hold his own and then some in a fight. Secondly, there’s…oh, I don’t know–how about the fact that Robb once played a show just a few hours after BEING HIT BY A GODDAMN TAXI. (Spoiler Alert: I was at that show. It was most metal.) You just need that kind of resilience on your side in a battle, no question about it. Finally, you have to take into consideration post-fight activities–if you take, say, a Dez Fafara, these probably consist of touching yourself and contemplating life as a 48-year-old ex-member of Coal Chamber; if you go with someone like Scott Ian, it’s probably a game of “let’s decide what stupid color should I dye my beard today.” But post-fight with Robb Flynn, you’re definitely going to be knocking back a few beers and continuing to kick-asses, only metaphorically. Hence, I’m going with him.
Alright, so Varg also seemed like he would have obvious potential for me. However, the fact of the matter is, there are a number of church burners and murderers from that particular place and time that could serve this purpose. Faust, of Emperor, comes to mind as another example. But the thing is, we’re not looking for someone to put out a hit on someone for us, we want someone by our side in a fight. We want punchy. Not stabby. And I don’t hold much faith in them, you know, fighting somebody. Not the most intimidating humans once they’re lessened to bare knuckles. Then my mind went to Orion or Inferno of Behemoth. These guys made more sense to me. I mean for one, they gotta both be pushing 6′ 6″. And they’re in Behemoth, so the level of aggression is unquestioned. Anyone ever see these guys live? The amount of punishment they direct onto their instruments is probably more than most humans could take. Yet… nah still not what I’m looking for. I want to add another factor to this. I went with none other than Mr. Lordi… in full costume, of course. This guy must be over seven feet tall in costume, so the size factor is definitely there. Secondly, the dude is, quite literally, a monster. He’s a monster. If I want an intimidation factor to be part of this, it would be really hard to go in any other direction. Honestly, any opposition probably wouldn’t even bother throwing down. Who wouldn’t want a specimen like this on their side? And I don’t mean just in a fight. I mean in general. Personally, I think it’d be awesome to show up at a bar for a post-fight beer with a seven-foot-tall monster. Seems pretty legit to me.
What do you think? Post your choices in the comments section!
Live. Love. Plow. Horns Up.
How about Johan Hegg of Amon Amarth? That dude is freaking HUGE and looks like he could kick your ass all the way to Valhalla!
No doubt about it, I’d shit my pants at the prospect of a fight with Mr. Hegg–especially now that he’s had some sword training for that viking movie!