CANTO: Ufomammut, Massacre, The Contortionist, and More

It’s like… super nice out. So I went for a long run for some stupid reason.

  • Ufomammut are back, with a new drummer and recording plans very much in the works. After a year and a half hiatus, the Italian psychedelic metallers have announced Levre as their new drummer. We’ll keep a close eye on this as new material eventually comes our way.
  • Death metal veterans Massacre have signed on with Nuclear Blast, and are planning the release of their fourth studio album later this year. It’s been seven years since their last album, so let’s go ahead and add this to the list of things to keep an eye on.
  • The Contortionist have announced a live stream event, Clairvoyant – A Full Album Performance, scheduled for May 15th. Their latest full-length was somehow released way back in 2017, so it’ll be cool to see it performed live in full. Tickets are available here.
  • In case anyone was curious what Psychosexual sounded like (I was not and still am not), you can check out the video for “Devil From Hell” right now. A song name that makes my mind go right to The Black Satans. As a reminder, that’s the project fronted by Jeremy Spencer (Five Finger Death Punch). Unholy Hymns for the Children is out on May 14th.

“Ein Bier… bitte.”

Wake up and Smell the Satan!


Well, well, well. We’ve reached another Friday. Let’s just go ahead and consider the weekend officially underway. And I couldn’t be more excited to kick things off. Unlike last week, we do in fact have members of our staff active today. But that doesn’t mean posts like this should be a one-off. No no. “Wake up and Smell the Satan!” is here to stay. And we’ve got another gem for you this week.

Continue reading

Sunday Side-Splitter: The Black Satans

It’s Sunday, so like me, you’re probably hungover and contemplating the perks and costs of never drinking again, only to eventually say sod all that and pound back a six pack before your next show. (Problem? What’s that?) Fortunately, there are cures for moments like these: bacon, eggs, and a new edition of Sunday Side-Splitter. And in the case of the latter, this week’s is a real gem.

This week, we’re going to take a look at some true Norwegian black metal from Finland. (Their words, not mine) I’m talking, of course, about the parody band, The Black Satans.


Now then, very little is actually known about the Black Satans. According to the band’s Facebook page, “the band formed in 2004 on a cruise ship, despite already have released there first album, Dyster Svart Mørke, in 1994,” and counts a musician called “Masturbørg” among their ranks. But really, this hilarity comes second to the band’s music videos, of which there are currently three. They are:

“The Mutilation of Christ”

“The Satanic Darkness”

Actual “About” Section for this Video: “This latest music video made by The Black Satans was shot in the mountains of wintery Norway during the darkest time of the year, except that it was in Finland and in midsummer. Nevertheless this is the evilest and blackest black metal music video ever made by The Black Satans.”

“The Satan of Hell”

Watch these. Watch them again. Then rack your brains trying to remember all of the hilarious black metal-related shit you’ve seen in your lives. But rack as you might, I’m pretty sure you’ll never have come across an image as hilarious as this:

Screen Shot 2014-05-18 at 11.28.28 AM

So there you have it, folks–this week’s Sunday Side-Splitter is the Black Satans. Enjoy your bacon, eggs, and true Norwegian black metal from Finland.


Live. Love. Plow. Horns Up.

Throwback Thursday: May 1, 2014

Those feelings of longing for the weekend and the #tbt‘s clogging up your News Feed can mean only one thing — it’s time for our newest series here on the Horns Up blog–Throwback Thursday! This segment is what you think it is–a chance for your two co-hosts to reminisce about days of metal gone by. We’ll be sharing old photos, videos, any kind of metal-related content that’s at least a fifth grader. (10 years old, for those of you who can’t math) Feel free to share your own in the comments section as well!


I’m gonna break out the big guns with my first post and go with the music video for Rhapsody (of Fire)’s “Rain of a Thousand Flames,” from 2001. For those who may not be familiar, Rhapsody (of Fire) is an Italian symphonic metal band primarily known for two things: their series of concept albums known collectively as the Emerald Sword Saga, and their collaboration with nonagenarian actor Christopher Lee (SARUMAN!) on the track “Magic of the Wizard’s Dream“–a perennial contender for the title of cheesiest song conceived by man.

Let’s not mince words here, the video for “Rain of a Thousand Flames” is THE MOST RIDICULOUS MUSIC VIDEO YOU WILL EVER SEE. Things you will encounter while watching:

  • A witch/demon being licking a sword while, for some reason, topless. (And with pierced nipples)
  • Band members playing randomly in a field because LUSH SCENERY, YOU GUYS.
  • Proto-BioShock plasmids coming out of random characters’ hands during battle.
  • Some of the most hilariously bad green-screened graphics you will ever see.
  • As the YouTuber who uploaded the video says, “long hair, swords, nuff said.”

And oh, so much more. I have no idea how exactly this ties into the Emerald Sword Saga and frankly, I don’t care to know. This is a thing of beauty and hilarity with or without context. All I can say at this point is watch, fall over laughing, and enjoy:


Alrighty, let’s maintain the cheese factor, but move in a different direction. Actually, let’s go back in time a little further. In fact, let’s go back almost another full decade. I think it’s high-time the world was introduced to the 8th A.S.S. (of course, referring to the 8th member of our highly exclusive Metal Fraternity, Alpha Sigma Satan). This is none other than the great Abbath of Immortal.

I present to you, the incredibly over the top, unbelievably ridiculous, music video of “Call of the Wintermoon. Honestly though, these guys would be jealous of this video… and they’re trying to be as over the top as possible. Anyway, this particular track was featured on Immortal’s debut album, Diaboloical Fullmoon Mysticism, and the video premiered wayyyyy back in 1992. It has everything… witch hats, fire breathing, medieval weapons. All while running amok in the forest… with torches…in broad daylight, no less! Of course, all this is completely directionless with no purpose whatsoever. I still haven’t decided if this video is intentionally over the top, or if they actually did take themselves this seriously. Personally, I kinda hope it’s the latter. Oh… yeah, the song is kinda awesome. Classic early ’90s black metal. That is, if you can get past the video enough to focus on the music.

So, what better way to introduce the 8th A.S.S. than by going all the way back to the beginning? We’re talking over two full decades. Happy Throwback Thursday! Enjoy the shit outta this.

Live. Love. Plow. Horns Up.