Happy Sunday, metalheads! Corey’s on Cape Cod and I’m getting ready to head out for Day 3 of the Governors Ball here in NYC, but we’d be remiss if we didn’t have a new Sunday Side-Splitter ready to go. And this week’s…this week’s is a doozy, folks.

If you know Corey and I, you know we’ve both got a hate-hate relationship with Orange County’s favorite metalcore princesses, Avenged Sevenfold. How it is that after 15 years, this band is still around, still making music is beyond me, but here we are. If nothing else, it’s another punching bag to make fun of here on Horns Up. And so even though this particular installment isn’t directly a jab at A7X, I think I’ll do that now. Ladies and gents, without any further ado, I give you “Unholy Confessions Unholy Cover”

Where to begin with this thing? I mean, these guys start with a shitty song and–against all odds–manage to make it even shittier. I’m pretty sure you could make a case to the Defense Department about this being incorporated as an anti-terrorism tactic. Moving beyond, it looks like there’s about one person in this band who actually cares about this performance (the singer), and he…has anti-talent. Everything this kid does–the squawking, the desperate attempts at growling, etc.–it’s all just a big ball of fail.

But more than “Lil’ Shadows,” more than the bum notes or the out-of-sync guitars, what stands out is the painfully awkward moment at around 2:50 where the band gets lost and jump abruptly into another part of the song, prompting a hilarious “JUST KEEP GOING!” from the singer. Once the ship’s righted (using the term loosely, of course), kid runs off stage and into the audience–presumably to blend in and disassociate with that performance, but we can’t really say for sure.

Against mighty odds, “Unholy Cover” actually makes Avenged Sevenfold’s original version seem pretty goddamn listenable by comparison. Still shitty, but at least listenable…which is no small achievement. On the other hand, there’s no way anything A7X does will ever be as funny as this, so…sorry guys, you’re still in the reject pile.

Anyway, that’s our Splitter for the week. Keep it metal!

-Dan

Live. Love. Plow. Horns Up.