What’s that? A second consecutive football-related Stage Dive post? Yep, with just eight days left until the NFL’s regular season kicks off and having already completed two fantasy football drafts, I’m more than a little bit onboard and you should be too. If you’re not…just watch this; it’ll get you in the mood.

Anyway, today in football news came the announcement that the league is upholding wide receiver Josh Gordon’s year-long suspension for substance abuse. This got me wondering: what if listening to metal was a suspendable offense for our favorite ‘roided out jackhammers? Think about it–metal may be in a decent enough spot in public consciousness right now (thanks, indie blogs!) but think about 30 years ago, when the genre’s lewd and occult-based lyrical content brought it under major fire. Would it have been entirely inconceivable for then-commissioner Pete Rozelle to give into public pressure and outlaw the enjoyment of heavy metal in some sort of Ronald Reagan/Tipper Gore wet dream scenario?

(Okay, yes it probably is inconceivable. But I’d bet anything David Stern would have tried if he had the chance.)

At any rate, let’s throw plausibility aside for a second and assume it would be possible to get suspended for listening to metal. Did you throw your plausibility aside? Okay, good. Taking this hypothetical scenario into consideration, this week’s question is:

WHAT WOULD BE THE BEST METAL BAND TO GET SUSPENDED FOR LISTENING TO?

Now the way I see it, if you’re gonna get burned for listening to metal, you may as well go for broke. Why not go for the most extreme, morally repugnant, lyrically tasteless stuff you can find and just kick out the jams? So with that in mind, I think the choice here is obvious–you have to go with Aborted Fetus.

It’s hard to pick against these Russian deathsters when you factor in album titles like Goresoaked Clinical Accidents, and songs like “Postmortal Menstrual Secrete” or “Corp(se)oration of Gluttony.” I mean can you imagine an uptight sporting commissioner trying to read these names out loud? The drama he’d have to add to his inevitable suspension speech? Good lord, it’d be hilarious. (Also shitty, because, you know…someone would ostensibly be getting suspended for listening to it, but…) If you’re gonna go for the gusto, you simply have to get suspended for something like this. (We’d also accept Anal Cunt, God Dethroned, or a whole mess of others, it should be noted.)

Anyway, that’s our answer–tell us yours! Don’t forget to leave a comment for your Stage Dive responses!

-Dan

Live. Love. Plow. Horns Up.