CANTO: Did any actual news happen today?

tim commerford ratm

Late with this, because reasons. And by “reasons,” I mean “good god, did ANYTHING actually happen in the metal world today?” I certainly couldn’t find much. But we’ll give it a shot. Here goes:

I love the song, and the video’s…fine, whatever. But honestly? It’s days like today when I start to wonder why Canto even exist. Oh well, here we are. G’night, kids.

Keep it heavy,

The Nine Circles Podcast: Episode 1 (May 15, 2015)

nine circles logo podcast

Get ready, kids–it’s time for Episode 1 of the Nine Circles Podcast!

Dan and Corey return for their first episode under the brand new moniker! And to kick things off, they look back at two-and-a-half weeks’ worth of headlines, new releases, and other nonsense that happened during their hiatus–including news from GWAR and Blind Guardian, and new releases from Tribulation, Ølten and more. Plus, extended rants about Five Finger Death Punch and the NFL! The Nine Circles Podcast starts off with a bang RIGHT HERE:

Also available on:

  • Libsyn
  • (iTunes, Stitcher and YouTube coming soon!)

Monday Merriment: Steel Panther’s Doritos Super Bowl Ad

steel panther

So aside from the final 20-odd seconds, I didn’t watch any of the Super Bowl last night. I know…how un-‘MERICAN of me. But here’s the thing: it’s actually kinda fun not giving a single fuck about the concussion-inducing, domestic-violence-allowing, billionaire-owner-fellating (I could go on) cesspool that is the NFL! Instead, I got to spend my day at the movies! And then go out to a nice dinner! I think I’m gonna try this again for all of next season—I like the idea of having free Sundays all fall long.

Anyway, somewhat-related, here’s a Super Bowl ad that’s got Steel Panther in it. If you know me, you’ll know that’s enough to get my attention. Give it a look:

The ad was an entry in Doritos’ annual “Crash the Super Bowl” contest. Without having watched the game yesterday, I have no idea if the following Doritos ad actually aired. (I’m assuming it didn’t, because we can’t ever have nice things, but who knows?) But even if it didn’t, the band’s always got Discover’s “Danger Kitty” ad to look back on.

Anyway, that’ll do it for this week. Check back later on for some album reviews and more!

Keep it heavy,


Live. Love. Plow. Horns Up.

The Horns Up Podcast: Episode 21 (September 12, 2014)

It’s time for Episode 21 of The Horns Up Podcast, your weekly catch-up on all things metal!

This week, the guys rave about their recent concert experiences with Fucked Up and Arsis / Allegaeon, slowly begin to come to terms with the new In Flames album “Siren Charms,” and begin to realize that football leadership–whether at a professional or college level–is really shitting the bed lately!

All that and much, much more in Episode 21, so check it out!

Also available on:

Live. Love. Plow. Horns Up.

Stage Dive: Best Metal Band to Get Suspended For?

What’s that? A second consecutive football-related Stage Dive post? Yep, with just eight days left until the NFL’s regular season kicks off and having already completed two fantasy football drafts, I’m more than a little bit onboard and you should be too. If you’re not…just watch this; it’ll get you in the mood.

Anyway, today in football news came the announcement that the league is upholding wide receiver Josh Gordon’s year-long suspension for substance abuse. This got me wondering: what if listening to metal was a suspendable offense for our favorite ‘roided out jackhammers? Think about it–metal may be in a decent enough spot in public consciousness right now (thanks, indie blogs!) but think about 30 years ago, when the genre’s lewd and occult-based lyrical content brought it under major fire. Would it have been entirely inconceivable for then-commissioner Pete Rozelle to give into public pressure and outlaw the enjoyment of heavy metal in some sort of Ronald Reagan/Tipper Gore wet dream scenario?

(Okay, yes it probably is inconceivable. But I’d bet anything David Stern would have tried if he had the chance.)

At any rate, let’s throw plausibility aside for a second and assume it would be possible to get suspended for listening to metal. Did you throw your plausibility aside? Okay, good. Taking this hypothetical scenario into consideration, this week’s question is:


cooper smoke
Your author’s poor Photoshop skills at work

Now the way I see it, if you’re gonna get burned for listening to metal, you may as well go for broke. Why not go for the most extreme, morally repugnant, lyrically tasteless stuff you can find and just kick out the jams? So with that in mind, I think the choice here is obvious–you have to go with Aborted Fetus.

It’s hard to pick against these Russian deathsters when you factor in album titles like Goresoaked Clinical Accidents, and songs like “Postmortal Menstrual Secrete” or “Corp(se)oration of Gluttony.” I mean can you imagine an uptight sporting commissioner trying to read these names out loud? The drama he’d have to add to his inevitable suspension speech? Good lord, it’d be hilarious. (Also shitty, because, you know…someone would ostensibly be getting suspended for listening to it, but…) If you’re gonna go for the gusto, you simply have to get suspended for something like this. (We’d also accept Anal Cunt, God Dethroned, or a whole mess of others, it should be noted.)

Anyway, that’s our answer–tell us yours! Don’t forget to leave a comment for your Stage Dive responses!


Live. Love. Plow. Horns Up.