Orcs hate Dwarves. That’s just a fact. So it’s no surprise that J.R.R. Tolkien themed metal outfit of Orc’s, ORCumentary, chose to title their album Destroy the Dwarves. Be it a fascination with Tolkein or a band grabbing at something kitschy upon which to build their sound, ORCumentary would improve if they spent more time worrying about the music and less time worrying about Tolkien references. The album is a fun listen and fans of keyboard pop like Reggie & The Full Effect will certainly appreciate the catchy keyboard riffs. But, in the end, the campy fun of the album is not enough to overcome shoddy production and near improvisational song-writing.

First, a history lesson. It is known that the tunnels of Moria, the Dwarve mining city nestled into the Misty Mountains, have long been swarmed with Orcs. The blame lays solely with the Dwarves for it is also known that they dug too deep and unleashed a Balrog during the Third Age (aka The Age of Arda). And not just any Balrog but the dreaded Balrog of Morgoth who was responsible for slaying Durin VI thus garnering the nickname “Durin’s Bane.” Moria actually laid vacant and peaceful until Orcs moved in sometime before TA 2799 and after TA 1980. The Orcs were merely northern refugees looking for pillage. Upon discovering the Balrog of Morgoth, however, they began to worship the creature as an idol.

Around TA 2799 dwarves attempted to retake Moria. The nearly ten thousand Dwarves entered through the eastern most gate of Moria and slew many orcs in their path. But, alas, for the Orcs were many in number—nearly thirty thousand in total. And, of course, they had Durin’s Bane on their side. This war would come to be known as The Battle of Azanulbiza or, colloquially, The Battle of Dimrill Dale. The Dwarves were mighty, however, particularly Thorin who earned the nickname “Oakenshield” during the battle. Sadly, after routing the Orcs, the other Dwarf houses supporting Thráin II (heir of Durin) refused to re-occupy Moria as they feared Durin’s Bane. Thus, Moria was left to nature and Khazad-dûm remained in the clutches of evil.

Of course, in the following years Gandalf the Grey made search for Thráin in Moria. He was unsuccessful. Then in TA 2989, Balin son of Fundin, the Longbeard Dwarf, a descendant of Durin, led an expedition into Moria. Interestingly, Balin had been one of Thorin Oakenshield’s men and had even accompanied Bilbo Baggins (a Hobbit) on The Quest of Erebor (which sought to decimate Smaug the Dragon). Balin was able to slay many Orcs and even occupied the Eastern halls of Moria for a time. Sadly, in TA 2994 all of the company, including Balin were slain inside Moria’s Eastern Halls by Orcs.

If Orcs actually made music I imagine it would not sound like ORCumentary. The Orcs would probably use more rudimentary instrumentation and would, perhaps, be more inclined to rely on their stretched skin drums that are so helpful in keeping rhythm during their long marches. They might be disinclined to use keyboards. They would, however, appreciate the deep, crusty growls employed by ORCumentary’s vocalist. The music is simply not enough to hold the work together. With so many bands making serious music based on Tolkien’s writings, ORCumentary would benefit from taking their music more seriously.

It’s a campy album with a silly theme. So there isn’t much to be expected of the music. In the end, it’s got a bit of video game, 8-bit sounding fun that, when combined with a sort of crusty death-punk, can be mildly entertaining at times. Although, the only real reason to listen to Destroy the Dwarves is to judge how well they know their Lord of the Rings history. From their album though, that seems relatively unclear. A cursory knowledge at best.

– Manny-O-War

Destroy the Dwarves is available 10.2.2015 via Orc Rock Records. For more on ORCumentary check out their Facebook Page.