Dear Friend of the Depths of Eternal Darkness,

I was wondering if there is any way to mend a broken heart, or if I should just cut it out of my chest entirely?

In garbage,

Garbage Person (actual name omitted for privacy)

Chèr Garbage Person:

It pains me in the Black Void where my heart was that we cannot have a Conversation vis-à-vis as there are many breeds of broken hearts and it would be best to claw your chest open Myself to inspect it.

However: the First possible position is if your heart is damaged Physically. For simplicity, I will say that if this is the case, it’s best to get it out of your Body with haste and ship it directly to me. Should you need assistance with this project I would be happy to help, as I have accrued many a surgical tool in my Antiques collection.

Second possible reason: that it is Emotionally rent. Emotions are solely the Infernal Workings of your own internal Demons. We here in Hell enjoy laughing at you for having them — for being torn to pieces inside and subjected to the Diabolical whims of these useless Beings. I would imagine that there was something that stirred them into a maniacal frenzy; probably another piteous Skinsack of human waste outside of Yourself. You mortals are so petty and pathetic. My Recommendation: stop punishing yourself and just Kill whomever it is that has introduced such False Pain unto you. Murder them under the next Full Moon; dissect them; make a stew out of the entrails with their blood as the broth. Eat this concoction in the Hour of the Wolf, and ye shall lay your Demons to rest.

Hail Satan,

Ritual Grim