Wake Up and Smell the Satan! – March 18, 2016

wake-up-and-smell-satan

Today we bring you the trve agent of Satan, Erus Inferii. He speaks to us from his lair about the chaotic noise that brings much pleasure to Satan’s orifices: Blast Beats! So, without further ado: from the desk of Erus Inferii, Black Metal Elitist.

Blast beats are bullets in the arsenal of trve black metal bands, to kill off hipsters and poseurs with pure sonic malevolence. They would have all real black metal bands gaze at their shoes and write songs about the way the autumn leaves remind them of lost lovers and broken promises. FUCK OFF YOU BEARDED, SHORT-HAIRED, SCARF-WEARING METAL DEFILERS!!!

erus inferii
A trve, blasphemous blast beat—the blast beat of Erik “Grim” Brødreskift or Hellhammer, before he became a glittery, synthetic robot man—is made up of three key elements: kick, snare, and cymbals. The kick drum represents the dull thud of each blow struck to Christ’s body by the Romans as he set upon the Via Dolorosa toward Golgotha. The cymbals are the lacerations in Christ’s back from the lashes of the flagellum before that. The snare is a hammer driving deeper the nails into Christ’s flesh at the time of crucifixion. There is nothing that should give a trve, proud, theistic Satanist drummer greater pride than recreating the misery and anguish of the withering son of god blow-by-laceration-by hammer stroke over and over again!

Why then, would you do all three at once? A flat, shitty blast beat where the kick, snare and cymbals are all struck at the same time is the premature ejaculation of trve fucking metal. You limp-dicked fuck! You’re giving Jesus respite on the upbeats! You may as well replace your guitars with ukuleles so you can give Jesus a nice Hawaiian hipster-themed rim n’ blow while your singer “croons” about the glory of forgiveness! Fuck you! Keep the kick and snare separate or out yourselves as feeble christian sympathizers in Black Metal’s war on God.

End communication.

We hope you enjoyed this guest post. More to come in the future!

Hail Satan,

Ritual Grim

 

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