Dear Ritual Grim:

I have a dilemma. I am a strict Satanist following all of Lvcifer’s teachings but, my girlfriend is a very strict Lvtheran. We have recently been arguing at length about well, the length of my hair. She wants it short and I want it as long as possible so that it can be soaked with blood during my ritualistic slaughters and subsequent orgies. Can you please help me out here with a compromise?

Truly,

Lost in Weehawken.

Dear Weehawken:

No need to be lost. The dark Lord appreciates many types of hairstyles. Here are some suggestions for you. I’m sure that, somewhere in this list, you can find something that will make both you and your girlfriend happy. Although I might suggest ritually sacrificing her at some point due to her erroneous religious convictions.

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