So I was sitting around a couple weeks ago, begrudgingly scrolling through some social media platform (while contemplating if this would indeed be the moment the internet finally made me stab my eyes out), when I saw a light far off in the distance. And by distance I mean slightly further down the page. What was this beacon I stumbled upon? Lordi. Mother. Freaking. Lordi. And just like that, inspiration struck.
I mean, it makes sense. They have some form of album coming out at the end of the week. But two things happened to me in this particular moment. For one, I was way too strongly debating whether or not I needed a LORDI-SPORK in my life. And two, I was thrust back to my days of youth. A time where Lordi was in the regular rotation and monster metal was exactly what the doctor ordered all of the time forever. For instance, take a look at this gem of baby-me from, like, 2008 or some shit…
ANYWAY. After blasting The Arockalypse over and over again on a random weeknight, I decided it would be an appropriate time to go back and watch some of the absolutely incredible music videos Lordi have cranked out over the years. And that brings us to today. What better way to celebrate the arrival of Killection this coming Friday? Before getting into this QUINTESSENTIAL roundup of the best music videos of all time across ALL genres, let’s be clear about one thing: unlike my past versions of this post, this list is 100% in order from best to worst (well, best to, um, ninth I guess). Also, full disclosure, a couple were excluded because I couldn’t find them. I didn’t look hard, to be clear. Second disclosure, you should assume all of these NSFW stuff and all that. Deal with it. Shall we dive in?
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1. “Blood Red Sandman”, From 2004’s The Monsterican Dream
The G.O.A.T. Hands down, no debate needed. This video reminds me of literally every horror movie and every cabin from my childhood. And I love it so much for that. Yes, those were weird years. Whatever. This song and video are straight fire.
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2. “Hard Rock Hallelujah”, from 2006’s The Arockalypse
This is incredible for so many reasons. For one, zombie cheerleaders are some series squad goals. But let’s get into the finer details. Look at that Walkman! And I’m pretty sure the dude in the hallway on the right at about 0:17 is wearing a Red Wings jacket. Serious bonus points there.
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3. “The Riff”, from 2013’s To Beast or Not to Beast
Who knew more recent Lordi was still super fun? Honestly, probably everyone. I’m sure there’s some symbolism in the toilet paper surrounding Lordi, but I’ll ignore that. This is just over-the-top absurd… and the third spot just feels right. Side note, I am HERE for that chorus.
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4. “Devil is a Loser”, from 2002’s Get Heavy
I don’t know where this Halloween party is happening, but that venue is D-O-P-E dope. And if Lordi ever decides to interrupt my Halloween party, that would be cool with me. Number four for this one, because of the aggressive nostalgic feels.
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5. “It Snows In Hell”, from from 2006’s The Arockalypse
I like to imagine a world where a movie exists that is equal parts this and equal parts The VVitch. That’s the time period I place this in, and that’s the first thing that comes to mind. All great things, and the Lordi-ballad is a concept I can subscribe to.
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6. “Would You Love A Monsterman?”, from 2003’s Get Heavy
Ah, yes. The O.G.W.Y.L.A.M. The doll is definitely creepy but then it gotta kinda sweet when she gave it to Mr. Lordi and then kinda heartbreaking when he (accidentally?) set it on fire. That’s brutal. But what’s with the dude/monster in the space suit? Points deducted.
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7. “Scare Force One”, from 2014’s Scare Force One
This is what I picture a flight on Spirit Airlines to be… and also the next edition of the Hostel series. Still, I enjoyed it enough to include in this list, even if it’s towards the end. Let’s also note the increase in production quality as the years have gone by.
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8. “Would You Love A Monsterman? (2006)”, from 2006’s The Arockalypse
It doesn’t generate the same feels as the O.G.W.Y.L.A.M., but the re-visioning was executed successfully enough. The “way back” mention of the original track was a nice touch, even if way back only meant like… four years prior. I also like the focus on Amen at the beginning. I consider myself a pretend guitarist, so he was always my favorite.
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9. “I Dug A Hole In The Yard For You”, from 2020’s Killection
This is exactly what I picture a Lordi dinner to be like. Also, having not listened to really anything since The Arockalypse until this exercise… they sure have changed in both sound and their music videos. SAD. But I may still buy a Lordi-Spork.
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Honorable Mention: “Hug You Hardcore”, from 2016’s Monstereophonic (Theaterror vs. Demonarchy)
THE BIGGEST YIKES.
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Well, what an experience that was. Did I not tell you that was going to be a ride? It started fun, but now I’m unsure of my own sanity. I apologize immensely for all who went through those with me… All hail Lordi!
Killection is out is Friday on AFM Records!
“Ein Bier… bitte.”
– cmb
Nine Circles 