Hello, friends! It’s that time again. (Well, technically, it’s two-days-past that time again, because the first of the month fell on a Saturday and nobody really wants to read blogs over the weekend.)
In any case, it’s May now! And with April dead and buried, it’s time to look back at its album art lowlights. We’ve got ten fresh picks for you to sink your teeth into… and then promptly spit out because they taste several-weeks-past-their-sell-by-dates. Let’s jump on in, shall we?
The Stoopid Good Looking — The End of Human Civilization
I don’t know that I was looking for “AWESOM-O lasers Neil Fallon to freaking death” in an album cover, but now that I have seen it, it is literally all that I want from every future album, regardless of genre. I’ll send the memo to all the metal bands; can someone else get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen’s people and let them know, too? Thanks.
Beastial PigLord — Songs for Dogs
The name BEASTIAL PIGLORD has so much going for it, particularly in combination with a, er-hem…less attention-catching title like Songs for Dogs. So, naturally, this cover contains neither a dog nor a BEASTIAL PIGLORD (it should be in all-caps not just on first reference but all references, frankly), but rather a habanero pepper against a blue sky. Luv 2 play a round of my favorite game, Wasting Potential.
Killer Klown — Let’s Have Fun!
One part Killer Klowns from Outer Space! One part the-music-video-for-Genesis’ “Land of Confusion.” Two parts awesome.
Super Spreader — Love Gov
Anytime you get a chance to poke fun at COVID-19, KISS and New York Governor / alleged getting-handsy-enthusiast Andrew Cuomo, you do it. Them’s the rules.
Tubero — Pweh!
I mean, whom among us doesn’t love the sensation of putting, like, 20 sour Warheads in your mouth at once? But as an album cover? Less of a sure thing.
Gallows Hymn — Marriage to the Sea
Little-known fact about 19th-century Impressionist painter Claude Monet: dude was metal af.
Jeff Black — Too Big to Fail
…or to put a second thought into the cover of your latest single.
Umbah — Aliens in Arrival
Ever been looking at a black metal band logo that you’ve got no idea how to decipher, but then someone tells you the name of the band and it kinda, sorta starts to make sense? It might take you a little while, but it eventually starts to make sense with that little nudge in the right direction.
Well, that didn’t happen here with Umbah. Even after considering the title, Aliens in Arrival, I genuinely have no idea what I’m looking at here: where it starts, where it ends, what’s blending into what… nothing makes sense to me. The best I can compare it to is when you’re watching an old movie on a reel-to-reel film rig and suddenly the machine malfunctions, eats the film and burns it to a crisp. That, but with more green.
The 8th Window — Wandering the Wasteland of this Joyless Existence
This, I think, is what Where the Sidewalk Ends would have looked like if Shel Silverstein had shopped at Hot Topic when he was a kid. (Or if Hot Topic had even existed back then, because, you know… space-time continuum.)
Motorjesus — Hellbreaker
This thing is almost headachingly literal, and yet… that doesn’t matter because it is so wholly committed to its vision. I freaking love it.
That’ll do it for this month’s edition! Check back in this time next month — or rather, two days before this time next month — for the Best Worst album covers from May!
Keep it heavy,