Afternoon, metalheads. How’re those hangovers treating you? Well, have we ever got a fix for you in today’s Sunday Side-Splitter. If any of you happened to catch our previous, short-lived podcast series, The Bracket, you’ll know that we’re no fans of Queensrÿche vocalist Geoff Tate. Why’s that, you might ask? Well, a pretty significant part of it would be the six-minute-long self-touch session that he filmed and tried to market as an EPK. Check it out below:

Anyone who makes it through the full six minutes of this video should receive some sort of special award. (SPOILER ALERT: I haven’t) I mean, where does one even begin with this thing? Here are a few quick notes I jotted down, which don’t even begin to cover all of the issues I have with this thing, but should give you an idea of the kind of dreck we’re dealing with here:

• “My passion for living borders on extreme” Yeah, and then you IMMEDIATELY cut to a clip of you taking a sax solo. Nothing says extreme like your best Kenny G imitation.

• Giving thumbs down to a 25-mph speed limit sign. GOD GEOFF, SO EXTREME. SUCH BADASS. YOU’RE TOTALLY NOT LAME AT ALL.

• “I love wine. I have my own brand–it’s called Insania. We have a red and a white.” Jesus christ, Geoff, let’s count this off: you love wine, yet can only identify your own brand by the vague descriptions “red and white?” And you called it INSANIA? If I pause the video here, I think I can actually hear you whispering “please like me, please like me, please like me” to yourself.

• “I’m a family man.” Definitely a note you want to include in any desperate effort to seem like a badass. DAD-METAL!

• “Wait, watch this…” (Jump to 2:37) For the love of god, Geoff, just stop it already.

• All the eyeliner – Geoff. You are 55 years old. You are not an emo kid. Grow the hell up.

There’s a lot more to it, as you’ll see if you make it through this whole thing. I wish you all the best of luck in that venture. Good luck with the hangovers, and enjoy the bacon and eggs!

-Dan

Live. Love. Plow. Horns Up.