Welcome back, friends! We’re only a couple of days into April, and by my standards, that’s positively early for a March recap post. (Amazing what a little self-imposed financial incentive can do to one’s posting consistency!) But anyway, you don’t want to hear about that. It’s the start of a new month, and that means it’s time to look back at the album art lowlights from the old month. We had quite a few hilarious covers to choose from for March, but only the best/worst nine made the cut. Hit the jump below and see if your favorites are among them!
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Children Buildren — If I Ever See You Again
As ridiculous as this album cover is — and hooooooboy is it ridiculous. Naked Santa doing a “Space Leia” while orbiting Earth? Come on — it doesn’t hold a fucking CANDLE to this band’s chosen name. Take a moment and say it out loud…
CHILDREN BUILDREN. I’ve never heard anything like it, and I’m not sure I will again.
But yeah, the album cover’s ridiculous, too.
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Gainstand — Your Worst Nightmare
Give Gainstand credit: they chose the exact right album title for this image. BRB, gonna go shriek/cry into a pillow.
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Haken — Fauna
We’ve looked at a lot of album covers for this segment over the years. This has got to be one of the best-looking bad album covers I think I’ve ever seen. It’s genuinely exquisite. It… just looks like the natural evolution of one of those Bored Ape NFT shits.
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Jarmara — Jarmara
I don’t know what the hell a Jarmara is, but man… I wanna try whatever drugs their designer’s on. Hoooooooboy.
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Nanowar of Steel — Dislike to False Metal
An absolutely god-tier parody album title gets an absolutely god-tier parody album cover. Where even are we in this picture? Is this New York? 19th century pirate times? In a scene from Watchmen? I don’t know! But I know I love this thing.
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Odinfist — Remade in Steel
So, I love this. I love the wide color palette. I love that Odinfist channeled “high school Dan” in designing its logo. I love the comic book aesthetic of the title being both A. boxed-in and B. in a font designed to mimic handwriting. I love the clear disparity in weapon selection between our two characters. (This dude is going into battle against a fucking wizard with a staff, and he really decided to bring his Flying V? Come on…) I just love this so much.
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Ottto — Life is a Game
I’ll be honest: I’m only including this because homegirl here reminds me of Arsenal winger Leandro Trossard’s goal celebration. #COYG.
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Radio Everett — Waifu em Belford Roxo
I… uh… I actually, genuinely, have no idea what to do with this one, folks.
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Riffobia — Riffobia
I do know what to do with this one. Look at this fuckin’ dork. This kid’s gotta be in, what, high school? He probably heard Megadeth for the first time and had it break his brain. My money’s on him eating an entire box of Cap’n Crunch in one sitting and then deciding he wanted to slash some folks. Oh well. Cool logo, anyway.
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And just like that… another month up, another month down! You know the drill from here: check back this time next month for more album art lowlights. Until then…
Keep it heavy,
—Dan
Nine Circles 