One of these months, I swear, I’ll finish this post sooner than the-night-before-it’s-due-to-post. One of these months. Promise.
Anyway, hello! You know where we are in the trajectory of the mostly-useless month of April (showers? Come on), so you probably also know that it’s time to look over the last 30-ish days’ worth of good-bad album artwork. And hooboy, did we have some gems this month. Let’s take a look at ’em, shall we?
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Ricochet — Kazakhstan
So, like… is desert surfing actually a thing? I know Kazakhstan has the Caspian Sea on its Western border, so you could theoretically do some surfing in the country, but… that ain’t in this picture. And I know that’s meant to be a capsized boat on the right, but it looks like a sandcrawler from Star Wars. Just sayin’.
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Center of the Earth — Mars
That’s it. That’s the album cover. I get that Mars is the red planet, but like… come on, Center of the Earth. Maybe you could try less next time.
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Hellysh — A Manual for a Killing
So, I’m not gonna lie, this one actually kinda pisses me off. You take a genuinely cool image like that and then ruin it with the most generic font choices possible? Come on. At least half of the band’s logo type is set in Chiller, and I’m pretty sure the “S” was cribbed from the Slipknot logo. BOO HISS.
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Vargskelethor — Skeleton Metal X
Congratulations, uh… Vargskelethor… I feel like I’m gonna have nightmares forever now. Fun renditions of Robocop and Oscar the Grouch, though. Also… how did y’all manage to license the Mug root bear brand for your cover? And more importantly, why?
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Jesus Piece — …So Unknown
So, I don’t intend to disparage this album (which I love) or its cover (which I’m actually okay with, I think?) by including it on this list. Rather, I just wanted to call out that I kinda got some Cold Lake vibes from it. It’s not totally similar, but it’s not not similar either, right? Thankfully, Jesus Piece have decidedly not gone glam metal on …So Unknown, so they’re ahead of Celtic Frost on that one.
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Sex Machineguns — 地獄の暴走列車
This album cover has two big things going for it in my book:
- It reminds me of the cover of Orgasmatron, and Motörhead recall is a powerful, powerful drug.
- The band responsible for it is literally called SEX MACHINEGUNS
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Bonginator — The Intergalactic Gorebong of Deathpot
Truly admire this level of commitment to your vision. Also, there was this one guy named Jesse in college that I’m pretty sure would smoke weed (or, okay… deathpot) out of of a human head if given the opportunity. So hooray for reminiscing!
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Truie — Ménophilie
This wouldn’t be half as ridiculous if homegirl was spoon-feeding herself, oh, I don’t know… blood, maybe? But no. This is, from the look of it, blackberry jam?
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Ballsqueezer — Wo die vogel Schlafen
I am now dead.
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That’ll do it for this month’s edition! Check back this time next month for the best/worst album art of May! Until then, though…
Keep it heavy,
—Dan
Nine Circles 