Welcome back, friends! It’s that time again; we’re a few hours into the new month, so let’s revel in all the bad album art from the old month. August wasn’t the best (worst) month we’ve ever seen for hilarious covers, but what it lacked in quantity, it sure made up for with (lack of) quality. So let’s take a dive, shall we?

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Странник — Enslaved

I have no idea what this band’s name means. But I do know the one thing this album cover reminds me of: the big god-heads from the “Get Schwifty” episode of Rick and Morty. SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT, Странник!

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Illuminoctave Eminentave — Illuminoctave Eminentave

The answer to the age old question: “What if Baldur’s Gate III was a music?” Also, I’m not a scholar, but… I’m pretty sure “illuminoctave” and “eminentave” aren’t words.

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Lombolo — Här och där

I gotta say, I feel for the dude with the axe, here. He looks like a legit knight. He’s definitely seen some shit. And yet, he’s surrounded by Scared Blonde Santa and Medieval Mäenpää (as bewildered by a map as his modern counterpart is by the limitations of multi-track recording software) as the party’s being attacked by Saruman and his murder raccoons. You know he’s gonna be doing the heavy lifting to fend them all off, here. You just know it.

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Borracho — Blurring the Lines of Reality

So, full disclosure: I actually really like this cover. It just does not seem like a cover that a band should slap that logo over top of. Imagine finishing 26 out of 26.2 miles of a marathon, and then getting, just… vicious diarrhea during the final fifth-of-a-mile and winding up with a DNF. That’s what this logo feels like here.

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Owlbear — Chaos to the Realm

I, for one, am glad that I now know what an Owlbear looks like. Namely, like it should be called an Eaglebear, and that it sports one hell of a dadbod.

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Panda Kingdom — Panda Kingdom

Speaking of, uh… animal themed album covers, how about Panda Kingdom, here? Would you believe the dude behind this album is, no bullshit, the same guy behind freaking CHOPPING MALL? Sorry, sorry, I meant to say “previous Cursed Imagery featurees Chopping Mall?” I would love to take a trip inside this dude’s mind someday.

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Necro Weasel — Feel the Speed

Part three in our animal-themed triptych is Necro Weasel! I don’t have a ton to say about this, aside from that this necro weasel looks like he means fuckin’ business, you guys.

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Lonely Pedro — I’m Angry Again

I never knew I needed a metal counterpart to Chumbawamba’s Tubthumper in the year two thousand and twenty three, but I sure am, uh… neutral… that we have one.

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Hypomanic Daydream — Image

Well, I guess nobody can accuse Hypomanic Daydream of lying. Of all the images I have seen in my life, this is definitely one of them.

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Dismembered Pig — Se castran puercos

I think my favorite thing about this is the PARENTAL ADVISORY label in the upper left corner. I would love to meet the parent who’s like “Gosh, I sure am glad Tipper Gore forced that label onto this Dismembered Pig album! Otherwise I might not have known it might not be good for Little Tommy’s tender ears!” You know he/she/they/it’s out there somewhere.

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Anyway, that’ll do it for August! You know the drill: tune back in this time next month for the best/worst highlights from September. Until then…

Keep it heavy,
—Dan