Hey, it’s this thing! Remember this thing? You probably don’t, because as is the case with most of my “contributions” to this site, it’s been more than a year since I did anything with it. Originally, Cursed Imagery was a weekly segment that celebrated (read: shitposted about) ridiculous album covers from across our beloved metal genre. It ran for about six months in 2019, and then promptly died. Until this moment, that is — until its rebirth as a monthly segment that will shitpost about ridiculous album covers from across our beloved metal genre. For as long as I can keep it going, anyway. (All bets are off.)
Anyway, enough words. It’s a new month, so let’s take a look back at the old month. Here are our album cover, er… highlights… for January!
Chopping Mall — Old Man Andy
Starting off with a single from Milwaukee-based Chopping Mall, which I love for a handful of different reasons. First, the “band” (it’s one dude, per Metal Archives) shares its name with one of my all-time favorite bad horror movies. Second, the project’s only prior release — a 2020 full-length titled, er-hem… Mauled by a Magical Bear with Scalding Hot Liquid Cheese Spraying from its Eyesockets — also looks delightfully insane. Thirdly, um… the expression on this priest’s face is gold. It is almost exactly the face I make anytime I have to eat olives. So, in a way, he is my spirit animal.
Sadistik Telepathy — Experiments
Experiments… WITH DRUGS
Plagueborne — A Blueprint for Annihilation
Pro-tip for all you bands out there hoping to someday achieve the hallowed career pinnacle of Being-Featured-in-Cursed-Imagery: if you include flying sharks on your album cover, you are automatically included. (Particularly if said flying sharks are mechanical, which these here Plagueborne sharks… may be? They look like they could be. I dunno for sure. But we’ll round up to “yes, mechanical,” here.) Anyway, them’s the rules. Design accordingly.
Dragony — Viribus Unitis
At first glance, you might think Vienna sextet Dragony would be into dragons. For starters, it’s right there in their adjectivey name. Second, Metal Archives lists “Dragons” as one of their primary lyrical themes, alongside “Medieval fantasy” as well as “Tales.” So, how is it that only two covers from the now ten releases the band’s put out to date include any kind of dragon in the design? (And really, I have to round down to one-and-a-half, because… I mean, this thing — the second is a close-up of the first — looks more like Ultron than a dragon, let’s be honest.) Anyway, dragons or not, this cover is absurd and I love it.
Stoliker — Dog Days
Dear metal bands,
More pictures of your dogs on your album covers, please.
Scorn — Son of Mud
Dear metal bands,
Fewer pictures of your grotesque pig creatures on your album covers, please.
Жабъ — Добрая болотная третина
I have no idea what any of this means — a quick Google Translate on the band name and album title came back with Toad and Good Swamp Third, which… have to be wrong, don’t they? — but regardless, I love this presumably Russian ogre’s energy. It’s like Shrek here peeled back just enough of his layers to realize he wanted to move to Portland and start a polka band. DREAM BIG IN 2021.
Svmmer Kamp — Svmmertime Madness
Big Sacred Son energy here, which… is certainly a choice.
What’s more, reader, Metal Archives describes this Croatian project as “Black Metal with Surf Rock influences,” which… nah, I think I’ll pass.
Undead Slime — Undead Slime
OMG LOOKIT THE LITTLE UNDEAD SLIME. This little guy is the answer to the age-old question, “what if Flubber was a Pokémon?” I just wanna snuggle it.
An absolute, no-sarcasm, A+++ design approach for a metal band in general, let alone a death metal band. THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX, METAL BANDS.
Till — The Hand of the Crown Removed
I get that this cover is supposed to be weighty in nature, but all I can think of while looking at it is, “why is Jesus wearing a thong and doing a stripper dance?”
Thinking a bit further, it’s kind of fitting that Till’s logo looks kind of like a full-body shrug emoji. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
That’ll do it for this edition! We’ll see you back this time next month for a recap of February’s best worst album covers!
Keep it heavy,