Hello again, friends! It’s the last day of the month, so what better time pause our already-overloaded weekends and revisit some bad album art? This edition of Cursed Imagery represents one of our lighter months of the year — maybe the bad cover artists took an extended Labor Day? — but there were still some absolute doozies to be had. Let’s jump in and take a look, shall we?

—

Venomous Masturbating Pig Rectum — Angel Piss

I suppose, given the two things this band could have been TOTALLY LITERAL about on this cover, I’m glad they chose to be literal about the angel piss and not the venomous masturbating pig rectum. Not sure I’d have wanted to see the alternative, even in this here column.

—

Secular Stranger — Secular Stranger

Man, I really hope Dracula didn’t spread pink eye to whoever’s blood he just sucked.

—

Dead Twilight — Fall of Humanity

Mmm… it’s like if A Matter of Life and Death and Dance of Death had a baby and then that baby grew up and fucked… I dunno, Voivod? Complete with knockoff Eddie(s)!

—

Disfiguring the Goddess — The Brutal Machine

The worst mismatch of logo and cover image I’ve seen in… uh… this month.

—

Ferocious Fetal Formula — Primordial Generic Genocide

Man, why’d they have to do this to Kuato? Like being permanently kangaroo’d to a dude’s gut wasn’t bad enough? Spare the poor guy, man.

—

Hell Cum — (Well)Cum in Hell

Not gonna lie, this thing made me laugh my ass off. Between the band’s name, the totally unnecessary use of parentheses in the title, and the obviously-done-in-MSPaint aesthetics, this thing’s got a shit-ton going for it. And by “a shit-ton”, I of course mean “nothing at all.”

—

Hell(oh) — Satan’s Command We Obey

Speaking of totally unnecessary parentheticals, here’s Hell(oh)! This cover may look like a photo negative of something you’d doodle in your notebook during high school physics class, but… uh… at least it reminds me of the one upside-down tower in Elden Ring?

—

Secret Salt Squad — Ghosts of the Machine

Here’s the thing with this one: if you take away the blatant use of WordArt, the flaming skull, the inlaid images of misshapen and mis-sized gears, the other blatant use of WordArt, and the two winged, uh… eye-mouths… this is actually a decent cover!

—

Falling Giants — Whirlwind Hymns

This is… mostly okay, I guess. But why the hell does the front of this dude’s boat have to look so much like a roll of toilet paper?

—

Sunsetter — The Ganjian Devil

The Ganjian Devil might be a little too on the nose here, but… yeah, this all tracks. Definitely tracks.

—

That’ll do it for this month’s edition! You know the drill: tune back in this time next month for the best/worst album art for October. Maybe it’ll even be spOoOoOky! (Probably not.) Anyway, see ya then!

Keep it heavy,
—Dan