Welcome back, friends! It’s February already? Holy wow. It’s wild how time only seems to move by faster the older we get. I’m sorry, did I say wild? I meant “fucking soul draining.” I don’t know how anyone lives with this inevitability.

In any case, yes! It’s February, and that means it’s time to talk about all the good-bad album covers from January. And hooooooboy were there some good-bad album covers in January. We’ve trimmed the list down to nine for this post, (because #brand, duh) but believe me when I tell you that the long list counted at least thrice that amount. It was a surprisingly epic first month for, just… horrible design choices. So all that being said, here are our picks!

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Jan Magne Garte — Give me five minutes

Five minutes? You want five fucking minutes? You know what? I don’t have FIVE FUCKING MINUTES, JANNY!

[apologies to the legend, Tommy Wiseau]

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King of Undeath — Green Dullahan

My man here looks like he’s about to barf up a fart. That is not the face of someone who has a settled stomach. Also, this neon pink and green aesthetic is about to unsettle my stomach. Horrible! Don’t do it!

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Markiisi — Markiisi

This here feels like the world’s dumbest cult circle. Neon ballerinas flanking… what appears to be a forgotten incarnation of one-time WWE wrestler (and current political ghoul) Kane.

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Onryo over October — Last Night I Saw a Ghost

Because “Last night, I took a whole bunch of hallucinogenics and watched Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut” is too long a name for your album unless you’re, like… Fiona Apple.

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PowerTribe — Up with the Sword

What the fresh Eddie/Vic Rattlehead love child hell is this nonsense? Also… fuuuuuucking PAPYRUS font? Are we serious here, PowerTribe?

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Show-N-Tell — The Ritual Has Begun

So… I don’t hate this cover. There’s a real Manilla Road energy to it that, honestly, works.

What I hate is that it’s by a band with a glam metal-ass, apostrophe’d name. Show ‘N’ Tell? Making this album? Come on…

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Smash ‘Em Up — Smashblaster

I’m not sure which one of these is meant to be the Smashblaster, but… in a way, they are all the Smashblaster. Many smashes and much blast to be had here. Smash ‘Em Up gets it.

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Spornburg — Verhängnis

I really like Spornburg’s logo. I really don’t like the zombie Beethoven-looking dude up above it.

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Timeless Necrotears — AmahaPs55 (Nach dem Tod)

I’m pretty sure Timeless Necrotears is the first-ever three-time featuree in Cursed Imagery’s illustrious history. And quite frankly, I’m becoming convinced that the band’s just in it for the crummy album artwork as much as, if not more than the music itself.

Like, what’s going on in this cover? What is ever going on in a Timeless Necrotears cover? Bless this Catalonian madman for his thorough commitment to the bit.

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And that’ll do it for this edition! You know the drill from here, folks: check back in this time next month for the best/worst album covers from February. Until then…

Keep it heavy,
—Dan