DAN: [holding up iPhone] “Hey Siri, do a search for ‘dad metal’ in Safari.”

SIRI: “Sorry, did you say ‘bad metal’?”

DAN: [ponders this for a moment] “Good thought, Siri, but no. I said ‘dad metal,’ as in ‘metal for dads.’”

SIRI: “Let me check…” [loading symbol appears on screen]

SIRI: “I found this for you: Dad Metal, Vol. 1, by the band, Dad Metal, from San Francisco, California, on Bandcamp. Would you like me to play the album?”

DAN: [clicks to open the album in Safari; notices songs called ‘What Do You Mean, You Lost Your Retainer?’] Well, this sounds absolutely hilarious, but no. How can I phrase this… Siri, show me ‘recent heavy metal music that people who grew up in the 1980s would like’ in Safari.”

SIRI: “Searching… here’s what I found. It looks like there is a new album from Dream Evil, called Metal Gods, coming out this Friday. Would you like me to play it for you?”

DAN: “Dream Evil. Isn’t that the name of an old Dio record?”

SIRI: “According to Wikipedia: ‘Dream Evil is the fourth studio album by American heavy metal band Dio, released on July 21, 1987’”

DAN: “But it’s a band, too?”

SIRI: “Yes. Their album, Metal Gods, comes out this Friday. Would you like me to play it for you?”

DAN: [considers] “Sure, why not? Play the album, Siri.”

SIRI: “Now playing.”

[Track 1, “Metal Gods,” begins playing.]

DAN: [thinking to self — ‘We’re not even out of the first verse, and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard references to both Judas Priest and Iron Maiden.’] Hey Siri, show me the lyrics for this song.

SIRI: Sure. Here they are:
“Through ‘82 and ‘83, all masterpieces came to me /
The eagle has landed in the night /
I finally got Piece of Mind, the universe became aligned /
When Manowar released ‘Battle Hymns’”

DAN: [eyes roll back into skull] “Siri, you sure killed two searches with one stone on this one.“

[Track finishes; album continues]

DAN: “Well, at least this thing sounds decent. Who’s in this band, Siri?”

SIRI: “According to Wikipedia: ‘Current Members:
Niklas Isfeldt – lead vocals (1999 – present)
Fredrik Nordström – rhythm guitar (1999 – present)
Peter St-’”

DAN: “Wait a minute. Fredrik Nordström. I know that name. Siri, show me the Wikipedia page for Fredrik Nordström.”

SIRI: “Sure. According to Wikipedia: ‘Bjorn Tom Fredrik Nordström is a Swedish musician and record producer, best known as the guitarist for heavy metal band Dream Evil. Nordström is one of the leading melodic death metal and power metal producers in Sweden and has worked with some of said genres’ top acts, including At the Gates, Arch Enemy, Nightrage, Dark Tranquillity…’”

DAN: Holy shit. Siri, open in Safari.

[reads over page; scrolls down to ‘Production Credits’ section]

DAN: “Slaughter of the Soul? The Gallery? Fucking Jester Race? Okay, no wonder this thing sounds good. But, wait a minute… [scrolls back up] Okay, NUH-UH. How the fuck is this dude “best-known” for playing guitar in this Rocklahoma Side Stage stuff? Who the hell wrote that with a straight face?”

SIRI: “The page was last edited on 16 May, 2024, at 21:51 (UTC). Would you like to make a revision now?”

DAN: “No, no. I can’t muster enough energy to care that much about it.”

[album continues through “Fight in the Night” and “Born in Hell”]

DAN: “These are some Judas Priest-ass riffs, for sure. It’s actually eerie how much these remind me of, like… late Judas Priest, at times.”

SIRI: [unprompted] “Judas Priest released the album, Invincible Shield, on March 8, 2024. Would you like me to play it?”

DAN: [drops phone] “Huh? What the fuck? Why are you…” [pauses, considers] “Ohhhhhh. Eerie. Riiiiight. [hits self upside head with butt of hand] No, Siri, don’t play Invincible Shield yet. Thank you, though.”

[album proceeds to final song, “Y.A.N.A.”]

DAN: “‘Y.A.N.A.’ huh? I wonder what that stands for.

[song’s chorus plods on: ‘For me you are nothing / you are nothing at all’]

DAN: “‘You are nothing at… all.’ Shouldn’t it be ‘Y.A.N.A.A.’? …don’t answer that, Siri.”

SIRI: “Hmm?”

DAN: “Never mind.”

[Song concludes. Dan closes player window and goes to the bathroom. While passing the mirror, he notices his hair has both turned grey and grown past his shoulders. He also has a bushy beard of a matching color.]

DAN: “Jesus christ. Siri, how long was that album?”

SIRI: “Metal Gods runs approximately 41 minutes in length. Would you like to play it again?”

DAN: [stares in mirror in disbelief]

Keep it heavy,
—Dan

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Metal Gods will be out Friday, July 26, via Century Media Records. For more information on Dream Evil, visit the band’s Facebook page.