Oh hey! It’s been a minute. I blame [gestures broadly at everything]. Between the existential dread, a short trip out of the country, and the near-constant pondering / getting-hopeful-ball-rolling-on a permanent trip out of the country, I’ve fallen behind on the album art since the start of the year. And that’s a damn shame, because the good/bad cover pickings have been tremendous so far in 2025.
You’ll probably know the drill on this, because it’s happened a few times before. But in case you don’t: when I miss a month, you get two of ’em back to back the next month. And that’s what we’ve got here — the nine best/worst album covers from January, followed immediately by the nine best/worst from February. It’ll be quite a bit to get through, so let’s not waste any more time. Hit the jump and let’s get started!
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JANUARY
Ice War – Feel the Steel
I know this will sound shocking coming from moi, but there is such a thing as “too much ’80s aesthetics.” This genuinely hurts my eyes.
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Septic Karnage – Into Depravity
[Tipper Gore feels such a disturbance in the force that she wakes up screaming for five straight minutes]
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Wizard Sleeve – Heavy Metal Psycho Sex Machine
I’m sure it’s totally just a coincidence that the, uh… wizard’s sleeves… both somewhat resemble vaginas.
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Nunzur – Chainsaw Melancholy
Not gonna lie, this thing made me fully laugh out loud. You’ve got this grimdark, menacing, black and white imagery going on, and then Mr. Nunzur here pulls that goofy little wannabe Joker smirk and just ruins (makes?) his own vibe completely.
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Of Fire Itself – Ghosts
I dunno about you, but for me, it’s never too soon for another entry in the “make my kid’s art project my album cover” category.
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Forgiveness – The Weight of the Cross
This is like a pop culture IP marketer’s wet dream. Dragon Ball, Mighty Mouse, the Hulk, AND JESUS all in the same album cover? This shit’ll go over well in ‘Murica, methinks. But for fuck’s sake, what is with these font choices? A crossover this shitty deserves a less-bland typeface, dammit.
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Putrid Defecation – Tales from the Toilet
It’s almost like the guys in Putrid Defecation took a look at Iron Maiden’s The X Factor album — which features easily the worst version of Eddie to date — and asked themselves, “okay, now how can we make this 50x worse?”
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Clear Sky Nailstorm – Problem Solved
These guys are all posing like a bunch of damned musical theater dorks. How is anyone supposed to take this seriously?
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Взрыв кабачка в коляске с поносом – За этот пранк с кабачком мне дали 20 самосвалов с ниx*я
Translated from Russian into English, this means: “Explosion of Zucchini in a Stroller with Diarrhea – For this prank with zucchini I was given 20 dump trucks with nothing“
Game over. Explosion of Zucchini in a Stroller with Diarrhea wins.
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FEBRUARY
Cosmic Voyager – Moon in Gemini
This looks like an outtake from the acid trip in Beavis and Butthead Do America.
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Fast Food – Eat ‘Em All
This feels like what would happen if Mac Sabbath developed a taste for methamphetamine, and reader, I’m here for it.
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Bradley Hall – Metal is Easy
Collage work! I love* collage work. What better** way to demonstrate prodigious*** artistic talent! Hope none of them (or their estates) feel particularly litigious when^ they come across this album!
*hate
**worse
***nonexistent
^if?
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Jesse Cain – Treated the Same
Ol’ Jesse here has, according to Metal-Archives, released some fifteen albums so far in 2025 — most of which have non-sequitur album covers like this one here. To which I say: “Hey Jesse, maybe pump the brakes a bit, mmkay? Even King Gizzard thinks that’s a bit much.”
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Steel Machine – Deliverer of Sin
If their current trajectory holds, I’m pretty sure this is the vibe Tribulation is gonna be going for in the next 2-3 years.
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Eigenstate Zero – Shape of God Thought of Sun
Well I, for one, am gonna have those bug eyes seared into my nightmares for the next several days…
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Nocny Kochanek – Urmany Film
I have absolutely no idea what’s going on here, but when you see mid-career Phil Collins and late-career King Diamond (sorta?) in the same album cover — alongside a dude in a thong and a chef’s hat — you include them in Cursed Imagery. I do make the rules.
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Cave Growl – Ace of Beer
With a title like Ace of Beer, you expect “uh… Lemmy, but even drunker” on the album cover. And friends, that’s not what we got. And that makes me sad.
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Festin Fecal – Gastro-Nomique
Well, this doesn’t look too weird, does it? Matter of fact it looks pretty wholesome! Just a nice family of four, sharing a meal together, enjoying OH GOD IT’S POOP. THEY’RE EATING POOP. MULTIPLE DIFFERENT FORMS OF POOP.
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And that, at long last, will do it for these months! I’d say “check back next month” for our next edition, but at the rate I’m going, it might be another two-fer at the beginning of May. Who knows. In any case, thanks for reading! Take care of yourselves, and please, please, please don’t be shitheads to each other out there. There’s enough of that going on in, uh… all facets of “polite society” [drinks bleach] as it is. Until next time, whenever it is…
Keep it heavy,
—Dan
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