Stage Dive: Which Metalhead Would You Want on Your Football Team?

Football season is nearly here! Time for hundreds of overweight, ‘roided out lumberjacks to growl, tackle and play shovin’ buddies as they try and get a turd shaped ball over a line. If this isn’t your favorite time of year you haven’t lived! Anyway, coming in late–again, thanks, day job!–with this week’s topic, but it should be a fun one. For this week’s Stage Dive, we’d like to ask you:

WHICH METALHEAD WOULD YOU WANT ON YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM?

Former NFL linebacker Bill Romanowski, who once ripped off a teammate's helmet in practice and punched him in the eye socket. If ever you need someone to play Nathan Explosion in a movie, here's your guy.
Former NFL linebacker Bill Romanowski, who once ripped off a teammate’s helmet in practice and punched him in the eye socket. If ever you need someone to play Tim Lambesis in a movie, here’s your guy.

So with a question like this, there are a number of different ways you could go. D’you go with someone like Corpsegrinder? Maybe a fictional metalhead like Nathan Explosion? Nah, for me the answer’s pretty clear–it’s gotta be Testament frontman Chuck Billy:

chucjk

I mean, let’s think about this: we’ve got a guy who’s in a bitchin’ thrash band and continues to be absolutely FEROCIOUS on vocals after nearly 30 years. (Proof.) We’ve got a guy who’s beaten cancer and thus could probably beat the shit out of anything football related. (Yes, that includes Richard Sherman.) Plus, dude’s nickname is THE BIG MAN. If Chuck isn’t a guy you’d want your quarterback lining up behind, you’re a moron.

Honorable Mentions:

  • Jeff Hanneman (R.I.P.) – the late Slayer guitarist was a big Raiders fan, plus there’s no way in hell we’re including Kerry King on this list
  • Cronos – when Venom hit a lull in the ’90s, Cronos used the time to pursue his interest in bodybuilding.
  • Mike Portnoy – because every football team needs a guy who fumbles literally every time he touches the ball and serves as a morale-boosting punching bag

Anyway, that’ll do it. Any fun ideas on your end? Let us know in the comments!

-Dan

Live. Love. Plow. Horns Up.

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