We’ve got a lighter week for ridiculous album art this week. And that, honestly, is a good thing for now; I’m simultaneously working on a new Retrocution post and struggling to find the right words for it. Dumb jokes about album covers come surprisingly easy — the bands have done most of the leg work for you! Writing an actual review? Woof. Tread lightly, kids. Anyway, we’ll still have some fun with this stuff, so let’s jump in!
Thobbe Englund — Hail to the Priest
Hooooooooly shit, y’all. Covers like this are why I started this column. Former Sabaton guitarist Thobbe Englund — whose name I initially misread as “Throb England” when I glanced over this waaaay too quickly — serves up a Judas Priest tribute album with all of the ’80s graphical fixin’s. A gnarly logo, a grid-and-horizon layout, an incandescent color palette…it’s all here. If you were to drink a bottle of Brian Fantana’s “Sex Panther” cologne in Anchorman, I’m pretty this cover is what you’d see on the other side. Well freaking done.
The Rite — The Brocken Fires
I’m not here to joke about the actual image in The Brocken Fires, which is compelling in its own way. I was almost here to joke about the word Brocken, until I did an ounce of homework and found out that it’s not just a misspelling of “broken” and is, in fact, a mountain in northern Germany. No, readers, I’m here to joke about this band logo, which is…a choice. Call me crazy, but I’m not sure the inclusion of crosses (regular or inverted) helps with legibility. In fact, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t! Plus, I’m not sure the world needed another band besides Korn to drop backwards R’s in a logo. Better luck next time!
Helhesten — Vanquisher of Darkness
Man, this one’s actually frustrating. There’s so much potential here, and it’s all thrown away by an oddly muted color scheme and a central figure — the titular Vanquisher of Darkness? — who looks to have been pulled from the Scorpion King school of graphic design. It’s a shame, because Helhesten’s logo is actually so deadly a weapon that it’s probably only street-legal in the American South.
Sloth — Beach Gas 7/30/19
Carnal Abhorrence — Gormandizing Rupture
This looks like if a brutal death metal band were to come up with a super-villain comic book. And honestly, I don’t dislike it! I just have questions. Questions like: where’d our homeboy’s skin and subcutaneous tissue go? Is the other gentleman being choked with his own carotid artery? Again, no dislike. Just questions. The people need to know these things!
Finsterforst — Zerfall
No bullshit, I just actually love this. The desolate imagery of a forest in ashes ties absolutely perfectly into the natural elements of the band’s logo. The color palette is suitable. Plus, I’ve been playing a lot of Wargroove lately, and the animal skulls totally remind me of the character Valder. So, basically, a win on all counts.
That’ll wrap us up for this week! Stay tuned for more ridiculousness in our next edition!