Man, this year sure is going by quickly, isn’t it? Here we are, already approaching the end of February. I spent an inordinate amount of time this month telling myself, “naw, that Cursed Imagery post can wait a bit; we’ve got so much time left in the month” — up to and including earlier this week, when I realized “oh fuck, this coming Friday is the last of the month” and started SCRAMBLING. Oh, time, you fickle mistress, you.
Anyway! Enough rambling. We’ve had a treasure trove of good bad album art this month, so it’s high time we get into the best worst of it all. Hit that jump and let’s dive on in…
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Aloys Fudanshi — Alive
There sure is an awful lot of fuckin’ pink in this ostensibly metal album. Also an X, an O, and a smiley face. (Or, generously, a sideways “D”) But then, homeboy’s Bandcamp page does describe itself as “avant-garde death metal / pop rock,” so… really, shame on me, I guess, for not expecting something similarly nonsensical on the cover.
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Curta’n Wall — Siege Ubsessed!
I’m pretty sure I have come across these two exact chumps while playing Elden Ring. One went around shouting about the end of the world, and the other had his world ended. By me. Anyway, I’m uh… ubsessed by how goofy this “raw black metal” band’s chosen font looks, so it’s got that going for it.
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Killwolf — La hora del miedo
Things I like about, uh, Mr. Killwulf, here…
1. He’s a wolf, fronting a band. Always love a good “overcoming my species’ disadvantages” story.
2. He’s about as committed to building his battle vest as I have been over the years. Which is to say: “not very.”
3. Homeboy seems to have let himself go in a “late Vince Neil” kinda way, which you have to tip your hat to him for. Hopefully he at least sounds better though.
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Necro Weasel — Obey, Suffer & Die
Mr. Necro Weasel is riding a unicorn, and his guitar is ejaculating a literal rainbow onto Vladimir Putin. You cannot possibly push more of the right buttons for me.
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Red Juggernaut — Red Juggernaut
I’ll be honest: ya boy’s been playing a whole shitload of Metroid Prime: Remastered lately, and Red Juggernaut reminded me of a slightly more, uh… gelatinous? …Samus Aran. That green Corvette in the background is just a bonus.
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Scortor — Moist Tales from the Forlorn Kingdom
I can’t quite tell where the, uh… scrote ends and the feet begin, here. But I can tell you that I never want to look at this thing again. When the word “moist” being in your album’s title is somehow the least irritating thing about it, you done fucked up pretty well.
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Sonic Bong — Sonic Bong
This is like if you asked Chat.GPT to design a Cathedral album cover in the style of Tim Burton.
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The Frozen Meat Section — Pound O’ Ground Round
I’ll be honest: I enjoy the band name and album title more than the cover. But still, the smirk on the face of the statue BBQ Poseidon over here is pretty amusing.
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The Sundial — Kaliningrad
It almost seems like The Sundial is hearkening back to a time when green screen technology was still in its infancy. WHY YES, IT DEFINITELY SEEMS LIKE THAT MOSSY PATCH IS REALLY IN SPACE.
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Alien Fucker — Gimplanet
10/10. No notes. Put this in a museum.
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That’ll do it for this round of album art lowlights! Check back in this time next month for the Best Worst of March! Until then…
Keep it heavy,
—Dan
Nine Circles 