Let the record show that I am starting this post a full four days before the end of the month. Progress!

I suppose starting the post doesn’t matter as much as finishing it, in the end, but still… kinda progress!

Anyway, it’s the end of June, so you know what that means: it’s time for another edition of Cursed Imagery. Let’s clown on some bad metal album covers that came out over the last 30 days, shall we?

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A Man Named Onigumo — Ingested Torment

Starting this one off with a real doozy! And ohhhhh, dear lord, did this one shake me, folks. It’s like the worst possible result(s) of asking yourself, “hey, what if AI did a metal album cover in the style of Pan’s Labyrinth?” I’m gonna have nightmares for weeks.

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Dehumanizing Itatrain Worship — Otakuslam♡Animecide

There… is more going on here than I can really process. It feels like what would happen if Corpsegrinder developed a manga kink.

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Dowhanash — Promethium 61

Okay, just… what even is that thing? Part dog, part scorpion, part… Ronnie James Dio with a Santa beard? I’m truly at a loss.

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Persekutor — Snow Business

After years… decades, even… of waiting for the call to become the tenth member of Slipknot, Persekutor decided to strike out on his own…

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Pyoveli — Mega Thrash Revolution!!!

On a scale of “kinda mega” to “hella mega,” with “fookin’ mega” (h/t Oasis) being smack-dab in the middle, exactly how mega do we think Chungus’ mega-thrash revolution will be, here? He’s certainly not wanting for commitment to the cause, I can tell you that.

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Rod Sacred — Another Day

Not sure I’ve ever seen a worse-named band with a more killer font choice for said name. Like… Rod Sacred? Really?

Anyway, this piece isn’t awful in a vacuum, but can we address the poorly-defined creature reaching out of the ground? It looks like a giant smudge of pencil eraser with arms… that also plays guitar.

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Saint Karloff — Paleolithic War Crimes

This looks like it got its start as the cover for a late-’70s or early-’80s sci-fi book. ARTHUR C. CLARKE’S 2037: A SPACE ROCK-YSSEY. (I actually rather like it, to be clear.)

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Toxina — The Face of Evil

Sorry, Toxina, but the “face of evil,” this aint. I know, because I have been this person — in what appears to be this location — numerous times. This is the face of “I just stepped off the subway and have lost my geographic bearings, where the fuck do I go?”

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Vypera — Race of Time

When I think of things that are metal, I definitely think of Kirstie Alley lightin’ up a cig and cruisin’ down the lane in… I assume an airplane? But I suppose it might also be a car. Either way, you just have to expect these things on your album covers every now and again!

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Helytube — Din Canale

I saved this one for last for a handful of reasons. Number one: it’s really fun to say “Helytube” out loud. Go ahead, say it! Helytube! It just brings a look of joy to my face. Second, their logo wordmark makes it look like “Helytube” is a character whose signature you can get for your autograph book at, like, Disney World. Thirdly, let’s talk about Sgt. Harambe here. He looks like he’s out for blood, and frankly? He should be. Bravo, Helytube. Bravo.

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Anyway, that’ll do it for this edition. Check back this time next month for our recap of the best worst album covers of July! But until then…

Keep it heavy,
—Dan