Welcome back, folks! If, over the course of the last month, you’ve managed to avoid melting from the record heat, drowning from all of the rain (shout out fellow Northeasterners), or otherwise succumbing to the despair of [gestures broadly at everything], you’re just in time for another edition of Cursed Imagery! Let’s jump in and poke some fun at our favorite covers from July, shall we?

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Thelemite — Survival of the Fittest

Fuck, and also, yes. I never knew I needed a heavy metal counterpart for Tarkus, but man, do I know what we were missing now. The overly polygonal flames at the bottom and the vaguely Savatage-esque band logo up top are just the icing on the cake. This rules.

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Pero Defformero — Muzika za ljude bez prijatelja

Now, come along this way, kids. In this exhibit, we can see the four main ingredients of any good metal album: chocolates, vanilla, maraschino cherry, and… uh… teeth. Let’s continue the tour, shall we?

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Buckethead — Dream Meadow

OK, like… I know when you’ve put out more than four hundred albums over the course of your career, as Buckethead somehow has — somewhere, the guys in King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard just got big old hard-ons — you’re eventually gonna run out of cover concepts. But… didja have to run out of ’em that hard?

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Quiet Man — The Starving Lesson

Beatrix Potter had no idea when she created the character Peter Rabbit, some 120+ years ago, that he’d go on to become an icon of metal music. He, Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle, Jemima Puddle-Duck and Timmy Tiptoes, some might say, are the real four horsemen of this genre.

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Mechanyzed — Crossroads Baker

I’m not sure exactly when Michael Jackson decided to become a navy captain — or what any of that has to do with bakers or crossroads — but, friends, this makes me grin a bit. It feels like something Cartoon Network might be able to turn into a successful, 3-4 season show if it wasn’t stuck in the hands of David Zaslav.

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Druid Stone — Elf-Friend

I dunno how they managed to resurrect actor Willie Garson (RIP) to reprise his classic role as “’80s version of one of Ted’s friends” from There’s Something About Mary, but since they do appear to have done so… said character seems like the PERFECT person to go by “Druid Stone” and release an album called “Elf-Friend”.

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Connor Fog — Chronicle of Mars

[turns on voice modulator] …I WANT TO PLAY A GAME

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Piston Fist — Redline

I can’t properly put into words the degree of cojones it takes to shape your “s”s like that when coming up with your band logo, but… bravo, Piston Fist. Bravo.

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Pogavranjen — Ciao!

I have several questions, here, but two in particular stand out: 1. Why the pink? and 2. Why the Comic Sans?

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Primal Tyrant — Saharan Gods

There’s something to be said for saving the best for last, and reader, did we ever do that for all one of you, here. Fucking BATTLE DINOSAURS in Ancient Egypt, you guys. I could not come up with something so incredible in my wildest dreams, but am I ever glad someone did. We salute you, Primal Tyrant. We salute you.

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Anyway, that’ll wrap us up for July! You know the drill: check back in this time next month to clown around with us on the best worst album covers of August! Until then…

Keep it heavy,
—Dan