Welcome back, fellow Serious Art Critics™! We’re coming in juuuuuust a bit over the wire with this edition, but as promised in November’s edition, it’s time to celebrate the year in bad album covers that was 2023.

All told, it was a year that gave us a myriad of both questionable artistic decisions and opportunities to clown on them — and we actually did so for the entire year! (I don’t know for sure, but I have to assume that’s a column commitment record for me at this blog.) This edition of the column will focus on the Best of the Worst of them. In true #Bestof2023 fashion, we’ve got nine of them for you. Will your (least) favorite be among them? Let’s find out!

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Mourning Souls — Mourning Souls

The self-titled effort from solo Brazilian project Mourning Souls entered our consciousness way back in January, and I have to admire how thoroughly committed to the lack of craft the dude clearly was with this cover. Not only does it look “like a kid tried to make his own Sgt. Pepper’s in art class with some old magazines,” as I said at the time, but there is also approximately zero rhyme or reason to anything included here. Jens Kidman mere inches down from The Man with No Name? Pele next to the Bride? Sure, why not, I guess.

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Necro Weasel — Obey, Suffer & Die

Necro Weasel really had themselves a year. The prolific Finnish crossover thrash duo put out two albums in 2023 (their fifth and sixth since forming just three years prior) and they both featured in this here column. But of the two, I have to give the edge to February’s Obey, Suffer & Die for its absolutely perfect depiction of Big Bad Vlad happening upon some of the things he hates the most. Or rather, of them happening on him. Like the rainbow cum. It’s just… *chef’s kiss*

The best news of all is that Album No. 7 comes out later this month. Will we see a return of Necro Weasel in January’s edition? Stay tuned!

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Children Buildren — If I Ever See You Again

In the spirit of honesty, Children Buildren would have made this list even without this cover. The name Children Buildren is just too hilarious to not give ourselves another 3-4 chances to rediscover and say it out loud. But reader, did they ever [not] deliver on the cover side of things, too. This feels like something Matt Groening would come up with after doing shrooms, and I just absolutely adore it.

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Truie — Ménophilie

Low-key, the most nonsensical thing I saw all year. Eating blood with a spoon wouldn’t have been scary, and smearing blackberry jam on your face isn’t really sexy. So, really don’t know what Truie was going for here! As such, Ménophilie was a first-name-on-the-team-sheet kinda inclusion in our Best/Worst of 2023.

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VHS — Quest for the Mighty Riff

Most of these selections are albums that I’d be embarrassed for someone to discover leafing through my record collection, assuming I actually had a record collection for someone to leaf through. That, my friends, is absolutely NOT the case with VHS. I whole-assedly adore everything about this cover and would sing its praises from the tops of the highest trees. Gandalf and outdated technology go together like lamb and tuna fish, what can I say?

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Buckethead — Dream Meadow

As I said back in July, I get that Buckethead’s put out a shitload of albums. I get that it can be tough to come up with ideas for covers for your, like, hundred-dozenth album or whatever. But still… try? Maybe? The man with the KFC hat did not do that for Dream Meadow, so on the list he goes.

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Hell Cum — (Well)Cum in Hell

I mean, the title and band name are pretty special on their own here, but it’s this MS Paint-ass, devil-holding-a-dinner-fork cover that really seal the deal for me. Revisiting this four months later made me laugh almost as hard as I did in September, and readers, that’s no small thing to turn your nose at.

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Slugweed — Forever Animated

This looks like baby’s first attempt at animation. It looks like graphics from a leftover Steve Brule segment. It looks like the perfect choice for our year-end wrap up post. Well(?) done, Slugweed.

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Sick to the Back Teeth — Modular Home

This looks like a pretty dope place to live! It just doesn’t look particularly metal. Or particularly drone/harsh noise, which is what Sick to the Back Teeth is filed under on Metal Archives. Points for literality though!

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That’ll do it! Thanks to these “honorees”, as well as the dozens of bands who put out hilarious album covers in 2023 that didn’t quite make our cut. You’re all special too! Most importantly, thank you, dear reader, for occasionally jumping in and giving this series the time of day. We’ll see all of you throughout 2024!

Keep it heavy,
—Dan