Nine Circles

Welcome back, friends! It’s been a minute since we did one of these. As you can probably surmise from the title, March… got away from us a bit, to put it as politely as possible. But fear not! When there is bad album art, there will be bad album art posts here at Nine Circles…at some point.

Now is that point. And boy, oh boy, did we have some bad album art in March and April. As a make good, I’m bringing you the best/worst from BOTH months here in this post. So let’s not waste any more time… here they are!

MARCH 2024

Julian X’s Gunvolt – Kaiju: Opera Heavy Metal

I, for one, love this. It’s like if Master Chief became a real thicc boi and also befriended Manbearpig, who low-key kinda looks like Blanka from Street Fighter. What more could you want from a bad album cover?

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Vorus – Desolate Eternities

I never thought I’d see a cover that’d make me long for Iron Maiden’s abysmal, X Factor-era interpretations of Eddie, but… here we are!

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Macaca Fuscata – Macaca Fuscata

What would you say… you do here, Demonaz?

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Punching Moses – Live Short and Suffer

Fucking YES. In addition to the stellar band and album titles, this cover, just… is everything. I’m a little disappointed Moses is doing the punching rather than getting punched, maybe? But either way, small quibbles in a sea of awesomeness.

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TheMetalian – Stronger As Before

This cover simultaneously has wayyyyy too much going on, and also almost nothing going on. Plus, the font choices are COPOUT-alicious.

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Generic Doom Band Name – Acoustic Covers

At first, I thought this was a joke. But then, the cover proved me right.

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Irony Criticism and Jokes – Anal Smiles

I find this band’s name and the way they just nonchalantly throw it onto their album covers HILARIOUS. But dammit, there aren’t any anal smiles on here. I don’t even know what an anal smile is, but I know there aren’t any on here. Way to over-promise and under-deliver, Irony Criticism and Jokes.

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Home Reared Meat – Truckstop Terror

If King of the Hill ever did their own “Treehouse of Horror” series, this could be episode one.

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Nachts – Privileg

Pretty sure I’m gonna die in seven days now. Thanks, Nachts! Jerks!

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APRIL 2024

Garu Pagrabs – Bara Gūstā

This looks like if Mortiis was still a high schooler and he just got told he had to do chores before all his goblin shenanigans.

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Catbreath – Slice ‘Em All

I not only want to buy this album now; I also want to have its cover blown up to Fathead-size proportions and put it on my office wall. Dear lord, this is breathtaking.

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Man Machine Industry – Eschaton III: End of Days

Good god, WHYYYYYY is your logo so big, dudes? Also this dude looks like the product of two Slipknot dudes doing a 69 with each other. Probably Clown and… whatever Mick Thomson goes by. Those two.

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Sinthetik Sentienz – Aeon of the Machine

I found it. The worst band logo ever. Give me any illegible, Scandinavian black metal band logo over this blocky, constipated crap.

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Morbid Nights – Lightning Strikes Across the Sky

I wonder, Morbid Nights… could you maybe… try less next time?

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Deterioration – Paranoia & Violence

Fucking hell, if ever an album cover needed a seizure warning, this one sure as shit does.

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Musket Breath – Worm Drool

I dunno who Disco Stu here is, but he doesn’t look like worm drool. And dammit, I was promised worm drool!

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Napalm Strike – MK-Ultra

Red Skull, Doc Brown, and… an alive version of Vic Rattlehead? Maybe? …walk into a bar. Joking aside, what a fucking GNARLY logo. I high key adore this, even as I sit here make fun of it.

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Flamebearer – Brazen

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a less aesthetically pleasing color combination. Maybe one exists! Maybe. But I doubt it. My eyes feel like they’re on fire.

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Aaaaand that’ll do it for this edition! You know what to do from here: check back in this time next month for the best / worst album covers from May! Until then, though…

Keep it heavy,
–Dan