Album “Review:” All That Remains – “The Order of Things”

atr

Afternoon, y’all. So remember that time that we loved the new Blind Guardian album so much that we decided to live-blog it? Well good news for you all—we also do that for albums we hate! And in this case, that means The Order of Things, the seventh studio album from questionably metal New Englanders All That Remains. Yes, somehow Phil Labonte has managed to avoid stupiding them to death, and much to the dismay of both the communities of metal and sensible thought, they are still a band. You can probably guess where this thing’s headed, so let’s go ahead and get started, shall we?

Dan
Alrighty, 3…2…1….

“This Probably Won’t End Well”

Corey
Sure won’t.
OHHHHHHHHHHH

Dan
HA!

Corey
See what I did there?

Dan
Well played.
Oh god, a kind-of-pretty piano melody. This doesn’t bode well for Phil That Remains’ hardcore cred.

Corey
“No I can’t take it / I just want it to end”
First time I’ve ever agreed with him.

Dan
What the hell is this? Dude’s not even trying to sing metal
And by that I mean, he’s actually singing.
This is the kind of shit I’d have just eaten up in middle school.

Corey
I remember when I was 12…pretty sure i was listening to Limp Bizkit.
This could have been slotted in there.

Dan
“I’m not gonna let the emotions take over / this probably won’t end well, but maybe I can’t tell”
This is an actual lyric. Nice to see his English vomit applies to his lyrics these days too

Corey
Well, we both know Phil has quite the way with words.
I’m so bored with this song already.
It’s like a poppy ballad. And that’s how this damn album is starting?
Jesus.

Dan
Well, Corey, remember: Phil is SO much more than metal these days.

Corey
Oh yeah, I must have forgotten.
The same way i suppress everything he says pretty much immediately.

Dan
Remember when this guy was in Shadows Fall and they actually BOTH put out a good album? Seems like ages ago.

“Divide”

According to Wikipedia, there’s supposed to be another track in between “End Well” and this thing, but iTunes skipped over it completely. And I really couldn’t care less.
In fact, I actually appreciate the gesture on their part.

Corey
I was gonna say, this should be “No Knock,” I think.
But I don’t actually care.

Dan
Did it do that for you too?

Corey
No? iTunes actually says “No Knock,” so…
Either way, there’s a whole lot of Phil growling. Guess hes making up for his self-fellatio in the opener, maybe? Either way, it’s bad.

Dan
Oh, apparently “No Knock” is explicit, and my phone didn’t have the “allow explicit songs” thing checked.
Which…WHY IS THAT A THING, ITUNES?
YOU WONDER WHY PEOPLE ARE MOVING TO SPOTIFY?
THAT IS WHY.

Corey
Oh fuck…haha.
Well, you missed nothing from “No Knock.”
It was uncomfortable.

Dan
Well you’re missing even less on “Divide.”

Corey
Oh I’m getting all of it now!

Dan
Lucky you! I’ll pause and let you catch up.
Let me know when you get to “The Greatest Generation,” haha

Corey
Two minutes

Dan
I will take this pause to reiterate that “Divide” is as stupid and nutless as the first song.
And usually, two pieces of stupid and nutless bread mean that the meat of the stupid and nutless sandwich is also stupid and nutless. Hence, that is what I will assume about “No Knock.”
This assumption makes an ass out of Phil and Phil.

Corey
Haha, some assumptions are safe.
Bleh, Phil overcompensating as usual.
Felt like a Hatebreed song.

“The Greatest Generation”

Okay, “The Greatest Generation”
…after this commercial break, because fuck you iTunes.

Dan
Commercial break?
Seriously iTunes, go die in a fire.
This experience is enough to convice me to stay with Spotify.

Corey
Yes. What horseshit.
Although, I cherish the break in the action, honestly.
I’m preferring the Macy’s ad

Dan
Oh for sure, but it should not be this much of a pain in the ass to listen to music.

Corey
Ha, true.
Classic metalcore riffs!

Dan
This lyrical content, though…
I think Phil’s been shovin’ buddies with Scott Stapp or some shit.

Corey
Good ol’ shovin’ buddies.

Dan
OH MAN, IT’S THE BREAKDOWN NOBODY WANTED.

Corey
“What made you great? / Remember what made you great?”
Your nipple rings?
I’m having fun with this one, because lyrics.

Dan
Yeah, the irony of Phil singing about things or people who are “great”—particularly the WWII Greatest Generation—is lol-worthy.

Corey
He’s doing that thing we asked him not to again: use words.

Dan
I should point out, there are other people in this band and I’m sure they all suck just as much as Phil, because guilt by association, but he’s going to be the sole recipient of my flak.

Corey
Same.
I don’t really have enough material for the others, aside from “writing metalcore.”
But I guess that’s a reason all the same.

Dan
This isn’t even metalcore.
Like…I’m actually craving metalcore after hearing this.
That’s how radio-friendly and processed this dreck is.

Corey
Hahaha
Fall of Ideals, bro!
That’s as metalcore as it gets!

Dan
What ideals?
Phil had ideals?
Does Phil ever knew what the word ideals means?

Corey
Nope.
Pretty sure he just strings letters together and the rest of the band lets him know if he actually made a word or not.

“For You”

Dan
Made a word, haha.
Now we’re onto “For You,” which I’m pretty sure is ATR’s version of Filter’s “Take a Picture.” At least based on the first minute of the song.

Corey
This is SO BAD.
What am I listening to?
Phil needs to be cuddled.

Dan
Phil has lost all balls.
He has negative balls now.

Corey
I may talk about sports soon because I’m lacking the effort to give a shit with this.
He’s so whiny.

Dan
I’ve heard worse vocal harmonies.
That’s about all I can say for this thing.
As a song, it’s just so terribly derivative and stupid
The execution is there, but it’s just execution of stupidity

Corey
We have a not-negative comment from Dan!
I won’t say positive just yet.
Jeanne does sound kinda okay as a backing vocal.

Dan
Ad break!
Ooooh, a Five Hour Energy commercial that sounds like it’s being sung by Mike Patton.
This is better than anything and everything I’ve heard so far.

Corey
Hahaha, I see nothing wrong there.

“A Reason For Me to Fight”

Is this…
Is this aggression?
Meh, not really.

Dan
People that think this is aggression are the same people that think Avenged Sevenfold is cool, or that grape juice is tasty.

Corey
Orange juice or GTFO.

Dan
Tomato, bitches.

Corey
Only in Bloody Marys, because BOOZE IS FOOD!

Dan
Anyway
What a surprise, another chugged riff and another attempt at an earworm chorus.

Corey
And the chorus is SO forced…

Dan
How many more songs do we have left?
Wikipedia says six more after this.
Oh and don’t get too excited, but apparently we close with a seven-minute song.

Corey
Wait…seven minutes? Why?

Dan
Because obviously if I want seven minutes of anything it sure is Al That Remains. (*hangs self*)
I’m not even gonna correct that typo.
They’re “AL That Remains” now; that actually makes them a bit more enjoyable.

Corey
Hahaha, Al.
Al’s a good dude, I’m sure.

Dan
Phil’s probably a Manbearpig truther, because Al That Remains.

“Victory Lap”

Corey
“Just a guy who’s drinking alone tonight”

Dan
AKA Phil every night

Corey
Hahaha.

Dan
If you think about it, this is actually a really hilarious strategy by Phil.
They’ve obviously COMPLETELY sold out, and yet his move through all of this is to say they’re not playing metal any more because they’re “better than metal.”
Bold, Phil. Bold.
The good news is that maybe they’ll get a radio hit out of this and be famous for 5 minutes (they’ll never get a full 15), and then be completely forgotten about, and then rejected by the metal world when they try to come back. Like Portnoy trying to jump back into Dream Theater.

Corey
It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see how it pays off for ’em.

Dan
Or post-“full-retard” Cuba Gooding, Jr. (Shout out to “Tropic Thunder”)

Corey
Tropic Thunder should come up more frequently

Dan
I’d much rather talk about that than this song.
Which has things happening in it, but I can’t be bothered to pay attention.

Corey
UGH. PAUSE.
How many ads am I gonna deal with?!
Fucking blow me.

Dan
Same. Mountain Dew Kickstart, with its stupid “Turn Down For What” ripoff.
Still better than ATR, I guess.

Corey
Haha, that should be a thing
“Still better than ATR.”

Dan
Colonoscopy. Still better than ATR.
Anyway…
Hahaha, add it to the Horns Up lexicon
alongside “life-ical,” and “mixed well”

“Pernicious”

Corey
Oh look! Another word Phil can’t define.

Dan
Anyway, this is the closest thing I think we’ve come to “metal.”
And it’s still not remotely close.

Corey
These songs are all so generic either way.
Fluffing the metal-radio world.

Dan
It’s like an unused outtake for “Drive By Hardcore Dancing.”

Corey
Man, I need to watch those again.
Because…still better than ATR.

Dan
Oh, without a doubt.
Jeanne needs to stop singing. She’s not that great.
She’s like what Taylor Momsen will sound like when she’s old.

Corey
Nope, that was weird.

Dan
Did I just reference the goddamn Pretty Reckless in here?
Somebody lobotomize me.

Corey
ATR brings out the weird

Dan
CHUG, CHUGACHUGACHUG CHUG
CHUG, CHUGGACHUGGACHUG CHUG

“Bite My Tongue”

IRONY. TOP SCORE
Okay, this intro is actually…kinda catchy, haha.

Corey
Appropriate song titles for the win.

Dan
But then Phil comes in…
And this chorus just totally does not fit at all.
It sounds like he’s singing the vocal part to a different song in the chorus.

Corey
Yeah, I didn’t completely hate the opener bars…better pace to it.
But then…Phil.
Ugh, yeah, that chorus is awful. So cluttered.

Dan
He’s faster paced than the rest of the music.
God dammit, Phil, are you actively *trying* to be the Michael Bay of already-shitty music?

Corey
Only three more songs after this!
Can’t wait for Tru-Kvlt_metal, or whatever the fuck it is.
Not correcting.

Dan
Ooooh hey, a nice little instrumental break!

Corey
Guitars doing things awkwardly, though.

Dan
This is probably the best thing on the album and it’s maybe a 2.25 out of 5.
If I’m being generous
Also, when he brings the vocals back, he sounds like he’s really straining.
Like it sounds like it HURTS him.

Corey
Didn’t he have surgery once for that kinda thing? Like four years ago? I’m Googling.
Commercial…about Marilyn Manson!

Dan
Aww, Manson! Something I actually like.
Golly, I remember when I liked things. Back before I started listening to this album.

“Fiat Empire”

Corey
This is a song about Italian cars.
Just assuming here.

Dan
Hahahaha
I actually looked at it on Wikipedia and thought it was “FLAT Empire,” but nope, you’re right…it is “FIAT Empire.”
Because reasons.

Corey
Oh, those chugs.
Just…no. Hahaha.

Dan
They’re so clearly trying to have their cake and eat it too.
They wanna do these catchy choruses AND keep in touch with their hardcore side and as a result, none of it is working.

Corey
They get none of the cake.
ALL THE CAKE BELONGS TO HORNS UP.
(We’re fat kids)

Dan
Still better than ATR
We should start a hashtag and try to get it trending on Metal Twitter
#StillBetterThanATR

Corey
Oh definitely.

Dan
Oh god, and now their chugs are completely off-beat too!
This is so many different levels of awful.

Corey
At least it’s consistent…
-ly bad

Dan
Nice “Pick of Destiny” reference there!

Corey
Yeah!
Alright! Let’s get grim and frostbitten!

“Tru-Kvlt-Metal”

Dan
ALRIGHT Y’ALL.
“TRU-KVLT-METAL” TIME.
If I ever hear Phil say the words “Tru-Kvlt-Metal” in everyday speech, I will vomit on cue.

Corey
Yeah. To quote this album AGAIN, it definitely won’t end well.

Dan
The sad thing is, this is probably the second least-worst thing here.
Notice that I didn’t use positive terms.

Corey
Well yeah, those aren’t allowed.
Is this metalcore yet?
Sounds a little more like it

Dan
Oh totally metalcore

Corey
What a relief…and I can’t stand metalcore.

Dan
Some of this riffage is okay, I’ll admit.
I guarantee you, though, Phil’s in the back of his tour bus before every show, jacking himself off to this song.

Corey
Oh, of course.
“See guys, I can still be metal!”
Oh well, song’s over with. That was…manageable.

Dan
2 out of 5

Corey
Yep.

“Criticism and Self Realization”

[30 or so seconds of instrumental opening]

Is this a seven-minute instrumental?
If it is, I’m leaving

Dan
DUDE. Instrumental ATR is the least-worst ATR. Because not-Phil.

[vocals enter]

Corey
Welp, either way it doesnt matter now, but true.

Dan
Yup, so much for “instrumental.”

Corey
And there’s another try-to-hard chorus from Fill.

Dan
Fill.
And Al That Remains.

Corey
Fill Labonte
We’ll file that into “typos I’m happy with.”

Dan
Correct.
Alrighty, we’re almost two minutes in and I’m 85% bored.
If there’s no improvement by the four minute mark, I’m quitting early.

Corey
This me reminds me of something?
It definitely does. Maybe depression.

Dan
Haha

Corey
Or human centipede 2, WHICH I WATCHED THIS WEEKEND.

Dan
VANILLA PASTE OR CUTTLEFISH?

Corey
Human Cent-iPad!

Dan
Phil always goes for the Cuttlefish

Corey
Fill is the middle piece; that’s where he got that nickname.

Dan
Four minutes in…I guess I’ll see this thing out.
FOR JOURNALISM.

Corey
Fine.
FOR JOURNALISM.
OH hey, look! guitars doing stuff!
Maybe even not-all-that-poorly, too!

Dan
Yeah, I guess credit to guitar player one and guitar player two for doing things competently.

[looks up their names]

Mike Martin and Oli Herbert.
Oli?
What are you, English?

Corey
Yeah, embrace the “Oliver” or GTFO.

Dan
I’m pretty sure this chorus is a ripoff of something I’ve heard before, but I can’t place it.

Corey
Oh it definitely is.
Is this fading out already? With two minutes left?

Dan
Oh god, the piano fade out.
Because #sentimental, guys.
#sentimetal

Corey
Damn pianos. I’m going to look up something absurdly bad. Just to use #StillBetterThanATR

Dan
Someone should photoshop John Wayne Bobbit’s scrotal region from AFTER his wife cut his dick off, and then superimpose the ATR logo over top of it.
Phew, done.
That was something I hope to never do again.

Corey
MADE IT!
Let’s be real: the only way either of us were getting through this was by a combined effort.
Some battles shouldn’t be fought alone.

Dan
#teamwork


The Order of Things is available now on Razor and Tie Records. For more on All That Remains, go fuck yourself.

Live. Love. Plow. Horns Up.

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