Nine Circles

Another month down, another mess of ridiculous new album titles to cover in Cursed Imagery. May was interesting in that there were a number of different reasons for inclusion in this months column. We’ve got some of your standard “just bad” album covers, but then we’ve also got some that I decided to throw in because I liked the band name. Or because I liked the album name. Hell, there’s even a bonafide good album cover in here — albeit one that merited a bit of fun-poking via a highly appropriate Parks and Rec gif.

Anyway, we’ll get to all that in due time. Or in other words, “right now.” Let’s jump in!

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Broom — The Search for Lollipop Gardens

Setting aside the inherent hilarity of a lollipop title and theme on your avant-garde / progressive death metal album, why on Earth would you go for that style of lollipop? Even if you like lollipops, that bland, translucent, token-shaped sucker is 100% guaranteed to elicit a groan. Dum Dums or GTFO.

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Grave Miasma — Abyss of Wrathful Deities

I’m sure Grave Miasma has some, like, super evil story behind this concept art, to match their, like, super evil music. But sorry, all I can see when I look at that face is an undead version of Ric Flair going “WOOOO!!!”

I mean, come on…

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Lord Erektus — Турбо​-​Плуг

Apparently the title translates to “Turbo-Plug.” But, I don’t really care about that. I choose to refer to this one as “Man with Rototiller.”

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Timeless Necrotears — Zôldja & Ojâ

The original title for this one was “Fun with Photoshop.”

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Stallionslaughter — Equestrian Diabolic

The Venn diagram that combines BRONIES and METALHEADS — which I am 100 percent sure exists in some capacity — just went from six to midnight.

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Nuclear Munitions — Kvltened Blackened Kvltened Blvck Kvlt

Font choices aside, there’s nothing super egregious about this album cover. I just saw an opportunity to feature an album titled Kvltened Blvckened Kvltened Blvck Kvlt in this column, and reader, when you get opportunities like that, you take them.

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Mark Chaos Massacre — Mark’s Songs

That’s it. That’s the cover.

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Pyny — My Name is Poship

I have absolutely no idea what’s going on here, or what any of it is meant to stand for. But, I do know — I think? — that it’s meant to make fun of Weezer. And so, dear reader, I’m here for it.

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Truckerfucker — Man’en med Ljaa1

Guys. Guys.

I need you to pause on the album-art-judging thing for a bit and just take stock of how much fun it is to say…

“Truckerfucker”

TRUCKERFUCKER.

I love this so much. This album could have the literal Lemon Party image as its cover and I would still love the shit out of it because it is by TRUCKERFUCKER. We do not adequately appreciate this band name.

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Yautja — The Lurch

So, this is the one I teased in the title that I actually genuinely like. I have no idea what it’s meant to be, but I fucking love it. It’s just that…

Well… it made me think of this credits scene from Parks & Recreation just a bit…

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Anyway, that’ll do it for this month! Check back in this time next month for a recap of the best worst album covers from June!

Keep it heavy,
—Dan