Welcome back, friends! It’s the end of yet another month, and that means it’s time for yet another edition of Cursed Imagery.
Unfortunately, I’ve picked a bad month to decide to actually be on time with this post, as the pickings in March were, uh… quite slim. How slim? Well, the nine albums you’re about to see below represent the only nine albums that could truly be called Cursed-worthy. In all, there were some 553 full-lengths released this month from all across the spectrum: death metal, prog metal, even basement-dweller-taking-a-break-from-jacking-off-to-pictures-of-Hitler-to-make metal. And yet! Only nine among them were even remotely good/bad enough to make our column. That’s a hit rate of just 1.6 percent. What the fuck, March.
Anyway, we might as well dig into them. Hit the link below and peep the best/worst album covers March 2025 had to offer!
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Fat Grass – Fat Grass
FAT GRASS.
That’s it. That’s the cover.
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Vacuum Cock Pump – Protein Bar
You guys don’t think this is too subtle, do you? You don’t think, erm… Vacuum Cock Pump… is gonna have to worry about making enough of an impression, do you?
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Ministry – The Squirrely Years Revisited
Like… what is Ministry even doing anymore? And why?
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Tiberius – Singing for Company
If this isn’t a concept album about cotton candy, then Edinburgh’s Tiberius done fucked up royally, here.
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Turbobobcat – The Space Gargoyle
Is this band’s name one word (Turbobobcat, as Encyclopedia Metallum suggests) or two (Turbo Bobcat, which the… just, so, so unfortunate logo suggests)? THE PEOPLE DEMAND ANSWERS.
Also, I love how Mr. Space Gargoyle here is riding on a ship that appears to be made of flaming poops.
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Beer Blast – Kee Mao No 1
I love how this guy’s best friend is an alcoholic metalhead elephant. We’ve seen all kinds of weird and hilarious ideas in this column over the years, but this? This still manages to stand out.
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Grey Aura – Zwart vierkant: Slotstuk
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Raging Speedhorn – Nightwolf
The ’80s aesthetics are strong in this one. But also, good god, why on Earth are Nightwolf’s head and neck so fucking big?
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Axident – Endless Devastation
Okay, so for those who wanna keep score on this, we have:
- The most hilarious spelling of “accident” you could possibly concoct;
- The least-optimized dual-wielding character you could possibly concoct;
- I guess if you squint, you could call that green shit “lettering”
Axident wins/loses the month. Hands down.
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So, yep! That’ll do it for this month. Honestly, if we were only going to get nine half-decent(-ly bad) album covers out of more than 550, this could have gone a lot worse.
In any case, you guys know what to do from here: check back this time next month for the best/worst album covers from April! Until then…
Keep it heavy,
–Dan
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